3/25/09: A Guide To Toronto Insults

Some theme music for this handy guide:

A guide for understanding Toronto insults so you can be prepared for them both online 362 days of the year and the 3 game days of the year.

1.) Toronto invented the Nordecke and the Crew supporter on March 28th, 2009. It's a flat out lie that CSU and HSH had earlier establishment dates then TFC's largest contingent, the Red Patch Boys.

2.) Columbus is a crappy city with a high crime rate and most of us are peddling crack on the street corner to get by because...

3.) They don't pay for healthcare. But, we do.

4.) The Hudson Street Hooligans are posers claiming to pretend to be an Ultra hooligan movement akin to the next ICF. No doubt you might get some bare knuckle boxing between members, a little tasering along with ghetto birds, and some other shenigans once in a while, but it's just a name. I also guess the Red Patch Boys are a 1st Canadian Division mobilized infantry group.

5.) Crew fans like myself apparently should be experts like them at being ultras and making two sticks on our first go? You know I do not recall any demonstrations by all of these TFC's ultra groups, I guess they are real ultras as well just like the Red Patch Boys are a mobilized infantry division and us Hooligans believe that we are in 1970's London. Anyways, with the two sticks just trying to bring that culture more to our team and to MLS. It's a learning experience. We hope to have something that turns out half nice but I made some sh*tty ones like this as well (don't worry Crew fans I'll be spray painting over the middle on that, it was Blake's dumb idea anyways and it was about the gayest thing I ever painted :-), wouldn't want to embarrass my team like a "We Deserve Better" banner or anything).


The point is we all make mistakes to try to get better. And, this when all said and done will be alright. I figure 70 of these and most of ours are actually quality can turn up something like this:

That is 33 in that picture, so over double that will look legit. And, not all of the ones in this pic are quality either. Some are like Thoma's best ones and some are like my worse ones. Although most of mine are good enough like these.

6.) TFC fans will try to outdo Crew fans by outsinging them at their own national anthem. Huh, at least most of the TFC fans called this dude out and I share their point on this. Why would you sing someone else's anthem? Just give it silent respect.

Then over here this guy wants to know if we care or not if he sings our national anthem. No one cares TFC fans!! It will be sung by the Nordecke either way. Yeah when I'm drunk and all hyped out to watch my team in a packed and loud Nordecke on opening day, I'm going to be really concerned about what Norman from Kitchener decides to do about his national anthem dilemma with our national anthem.

7.) Toronto brings over 2,000 fans (if you haven't heard this line you are deaf, blind, and one lucky son of a biscuit eating bulldog) while Crew fans can only bring 100. Not really our fault as that's all we are allotted. Don't even bother with that retort because TFC fans don't understand sensical arguments. Also the fact that the Crew would have to likely replace OSU and not the Argonauts to have 2,000 fans go anywhere, anytime soon won't register either. So, instead please just gouge your own eyes out. Anyways, I was quite proud to get around 110 in TFC followed a few weeks later by 300-350 in Chicago this year. Hell, around 2005 I would have been happy with over 300 Crew supporters sitting together anywhere let alone on the road. I would love for us to grow on that.

8.) Crew fans are supposed to be wowed by the atmosphere at BMO. If a TFC fan asks in person and you don't say you're wowed then they will give you the most self deprivating look ever, like starved little cats trying to get their ego nibblets. I have had this happen to me on multiple occassions with a Toronto Sun reporter, regular TFC fans at half time, and Red Patch Boys at Shoeless Joe's*. It's just better to go along with it and say "you're the best" even if you truly believe in your heart of hearts that Nordecke brings a better atmosphere.

*Oddly enough they are usually stand up in person and act like they are your best friend in the world. I have to admit that anyone that gives me a free beer especially after one of our guys f's up and gets us a place 35 minutes out of town so we spend 300 bucks on a taxi for the three nights we are in Toronto is okay in my book.

9.) TFC has intensely sick anthems made by 80's legends Glass Tiger. While the Crew ripped off TFC who came up with the "We Love You" chant. Here's some evidence of TFC creating the chant.

10.) TFC has to do everything better then Columbus. If we have a little rumble with some West Ham fans, then the next time we are in TFC they have to show us who the real hooligans are by surrounding us and doing a melee no matter if there are some families and older people on the trip. Then I can bet that if we do this two stick thing and it's half successful, that Toronto will then do 500 to one up it and show us all who the real Ultras are. But, then again you could say we showed them who the real streamer throwers were. Oh, yeah take that. And..

11.) Rules do not apply to Toronto FC. Everyone else is strictly prohibited from throwing streamers, but TFC fans have at it. Crew fans and American MLS fans for that matter are second rate citizens in their own league. Hell, our own commish strokes one out whenever he can for TFC anyways.

Also not only that but TFC is just about allowed to get away with anything. Beer bottle throwing at Robbie Rogers is granted the green light in Toronto as well as attacks on Crew fans. But, if it's Columbus then Kartik Krishnayer, Dougie Brimson, and MLS Rumors are all over that like a gold digger on Kayne West.

12.) Nordecke sounds like Nordick. Creative and classy! Hopefully that gets by the Crew FO who reads the Crew boards everyday.

13.) Just in case 2,000 people are not enough to get your attention and just in case you only care about the crowd and not the actual game on the field and you stare off into the sky. Toronto FC will be there as well by spending $800 dollars on a plane to fly a message around your stadium. All I can think is geesus, donate it to charity or something.

14.) And, in case it's the offseason and you forget about TFC. They will post stickers all over Arena district to put a real cramper on your Saturday night. I mean I just couldn't continue getting drunk after seeing a TFC sticker at Gaswerks.

15.) And, in case you miss all of that. The TFC fans will invade your bigsoccer threads and your blog with messages that sound like they were written while foaming at the mouth.

16.) Those messages will be along the lines of... Crew fans are fat, dumb Americans, from a cowtown of 2.3 million people. Also, there are no pretty women, although every time I'm at Brothers or Gaswerks I see about 750 of them. But, of course, Columbus residents have lower standards then the TFC elite. I mean come on it's the Rome of the New World.

17.) If Crew fans get Fan of The Year from Greg Lalas and Shep Messing (like anyone is sitting on the edge of their seats listening to those two) TFC fans will start an email campaign just in case someone forgot about them for the last five minutes.

18.) If you make a joke video about TFC. Be prepared to not read the 500 comments that follow.

19.) The Crew FO is stupid for handing out commerative coins because of course TFC fans will not realize that everyone has coins anyways.

20.) Toronto is more cultured then Columbus, it's actually the cultural epicenter of the universe. And, of course only a city with culture can understand this:

21.) The only reason why Toronto peed on our fence by the church is because they were stooping to Columbus's cultural level. It's something in the Columbus farm/smog air:

There is no other excuse. Toronto doesn't have idiots. They only live in other cities. Period.


In conclusion: The best thing to do is be kind, try your best to ignore them and nod kindly if they get in your vicinity, especially if they try to self indulge themselves with you, chant loudly for our team in the Nordecke, and watch with a grin when we beat these annoying bastards on opening day all the way back to their elitest cultural epicenter (you may say but Columbus has a much more diverse culture with much larger black and hispanic populations? Lies!) The only thing that matters to us are those 3 points and that space from the stage to the corner flag. Hopefully, this guide has helped prepare you for opening day.

Btw, if you run into these guys on Saturday, god help you!