Don W. Garber

Today, MLS Reigning Idiot Don "DP Rules? What DP Rules...?" Garber has decided to enforce MLS' policy (yeah, as of Thursday...)that streamers are only allowed during celebrations. From the horse's ass's mouth:

"MLS has reviewed the increasingly coordinated use of streamers at some MLS stadiums to affect play, particularly as a distraction to visiting players as they attempt to take corner kicks. MLS teams will communicate to their supporter groups MLS’s existing policy – that streamers are not to be used to impact on-field competition or thrown toward a player, referee or stadium staff member. While the spontaneous use of streamers and confetti as an expression of fan enthusiasm will not be prohibited, the continued practice will be kept under review. Should issues continue regarding the use of streamers, MLS will have no option but to prohibit streamers.”

Obviously, as a chief streamer-thrower and provider, I am more than biased against this decision. However, I think we should fully adhere to the commish's wishes. In fact, here are a list of things I plan on celebrating tonight:

- Goals
- A great save
- Player intros
- The 1st minute
- The last minute
- The 2nd minute
- Corner kicks
- The 3rd minute
- Don Garber's decision to ban bottles and batteries being thrown on the field.
- The upswing in racial sensitivity at CCS.
- The stage
- The 4th minute
- The beer I drank before the game.
- The beer you drank before the game.
- Beer in general.
- Blake
- Grant
- Hard Hat Mike
- Ryan
- Jericho
- The 5th minute...

In fact, I'm so fired up by Commissioner Garber's mandate, I fully plan on making every Crew game a celebration of life. This has got to be the DUMBEST policy distinction I have ever heard. Streamers are allowed as long as we're celebrating? Well, what if I throw a celebratory streamer when Ned Grabavoy comes and takes a corner kick? How do they know I'm not celebrating the fact Grabs isn't here cloggin up our midfield anymore?

The other absurdity is that 99% of people are not going to know this because the statement came out:

1. Late on Friday night.

and

2. On a website no one reads - mlsnet.com

Of course, even if every Crew fan was forced to read the statement, it's really a moot point what Don Garber decides to ban if everyone in the section ignores him. I can't even remember how many streamers I threw two weeks ago, let alone the streamers everyone else threw. And how exactly do they expect to police this section? Do they realy think CPD wants to waste 20-50 officers on a Saturday night in the summer, when they'll most likely need to be out policing real criminals, and not douchebags who drink too much and try to hit Ronnie O'Brien in the head with crepe paper?

And even if there were 100 police officers with computer analysis and toilet paper-sniffing dogs, do they really think kicking out the best atmosphere Crew Stadium has seen in over 4 years is a GOOD thing? MLS ain't in the position to lost money from ticket buyers who can easily sit in the air conditioning and watch the games while throwing and saying whatever the hell they want. The atmosphere we've created got 600 supporters out to the U.S. Open Cup match in the corner. Last year, we would have had 70-80 max. People don't just come to the games for the game; they come for the atmosphere.

I encourage non-violent protest against overbearing governmental organizations when necessary. Since MLS is a governing body, and since, the last time I checked, you can't assault someone with streamers, no matter how many you throw, I encourage you to grab your friends, a handful of streamers, and continue to proceed as planned. And I can promise you this: the moment I get kicked out of Crew Stadium for throwing a streamer, they won't have to ban me. I won't be back.