An Open Letter from Someone Who Wasn't There

Dear West Ham Hammered Supporters,

Well, you guys made quite the impression, didn't ya? You've done something for soccer in this country that only Beckham and Blanco have done before: you put it in the 24-hour news cycle. Congratulations are in order for that, I suppose. But quite honestly, if we knew that a fracas was all it would take, we would have rather just chipped in and sent DVDs of "Football Factories" to all the major media outlets. At the very least, we would have offered a Danny Dyer autograph signing/poser-fest at the local pub.

But instead, you had to go and bring us this dustup that has kept your famous West Ham in the press for 24 hours more than they got from the British media this past year. Wigan and Bolton, watch your ass! WHU is aiming for ya! Look, we're flattered and all that you sent some lackeys over to the most historic soccer facility in the US to get some pre-season mojo working over in the UK, but next time, go somewhere you'll be appreciated, like Chicago or Toronto. At least there, they already have groups of self-important bastards who think the game of football was invented so they could talk about how awesome they are. And in Chicago's case, you get the added bonus of having drooling skinheads who have no problem robbing the opposing fans of their personal possessions. I mean, was their a match more made in hooligan heaven?

In all sincerity though, I actually have to thank you for one thing you did, whether you were aware of it or not: you showed us just how little protection our stadium "security" truly offers the Hardest Working Fans in MLS. To put in lightly, if Crew Stadium Security were a rubber, your girlfriend would double or triple wrap your Alan Dicks before hopping in the sack.

Thin is a nice way of putting it, then. The Crew front office has decided to leave it's event protection in the hands of Contemporary Services, or CSC as they are often called. The people in the yellow shirts that have no Crew markings on them? Yeah, that's CSC. During yesterday's fracas, by all accounts, they moved into action at the last possible moment, narrowly averting a bad situation that could have become worse. You might have been wondering how it was possible that you could just walk over to the Crew Supporter's Section without anyone standing in your way?

Send your regards to Scott "Joe Swanson" Dibolt and the rest of the guys wearing CSC shirts. Yes, these are the same guys who have been kicking Crew fans out of the stadium for lighting smoke bombs and throwing streamers, but are the last to join in the proceedings when other teams fans (like yourselves) come into the section and start doing things they have no business doing until the last possible moment. CSC tend to employ the old addage that an ounce of prevention is just a BIG STEAMING PILE OF CRAP! Who needs things like "security guards at the top of the section" when you could have "security guards kicking ass and taking names after 14 broken noses!" Sure, prevention of these acts would make everyone feel a lot safer while watching the game, but the CSC policing procedures bring that tinge of excitement you can't get in normal life. Besides, it's not like there are 8,000-10,000 empty seats already for each home game; with CSC running the show, they could easily push that number up over 12,000 empties by the end of the season.

And if you're sobering up this morning and wondering why the Crew continue to employ such knuckleheads to run their security, you might not need to look any further than Mark Glaser, VP of CSC operations who also happens to be a member of MLS's Safety and Security Committee. Coincidence? Of course! Why would anyone think that MLS badgers it's teams to use inferior security forces, simply because the VP of said organization happens to sit on the board that would be in charge of awarding such contracts? After all, look at his impressive security resume, from CSC's official website:

...Mark completed the Disney Institute’s People Management class and received the 1998 CSC Manager of the Year Award....

I mean, the guy actually has his training from a Mickey Mouse organization! Does the fun ever start!?!?!

Unfortunately, as far as we know, Glaser has never shot one of his friends in the face with bird shot. But he has used the phrase "you're doing a heckuva job" in reference to the undercover work done by CSC a few weeks ago.

Of course, Mark McCullers, Crew GM and honestly a guy who falls in between "inept accomplice" and "hostage" in this whole situation, has released a statement saying roughly that the Crew Stadium security "intervened and immediately began to escort those West Ham Supporters to the concourse". So fortunately, even though CSC doesn't have the Crew Supporter's backs, the Crew has theirs, probably at MLS's Safety and Security Committee's prompting.

Sounds like MLS may have a little conflict of interest, no?

At any rate, thanks to the West Ham Supporters, some people who actually care about soccer, possibly including US Soccer itself, will have to think about looking into who handles the security in the stands. After all, MLS is finally attracting a decent player pool and adding stars to it's teams by the handfuls. With that quality comes a larger fan base, and certainly, more of a possibility for something to go wrong, if for no other reason than the law of averages. Fans who sit in the stadiums know how piss-poor CSC has been for years; to that end, DC's Barra Brava made sure they got DC Metro police to take care of their section. Says something when a group of soccer "hooligans" would take the cops over the alternative.

Thus, consider this my thank you note, since I wasn't there, and couldn't thank you personally for getting the Crew FO to pay attention to something other than streamers and umbrellas. As long as the Crew and MLS officials don't screw this up, and do something idiotic like blaming the Crew fans, I'm sure we'll all be thanking you before it's all said and done.

So, basically, I'm taking it all back...

Gut Check for Garber

If you missed the Open Cup between DC and Chicago this week, you missed a firecracker of a game. While DC advanced to the next round, they were nearly beaten to death by the Chicago Fire's hacking, flailing, no-talent club that is getting worse by the second.

Here are the highlights, assuming MLS isn't stifling the freedom of the press:



Fist, you'll note John "I'm getting beat by 74 year-old Jaime Moreno" Thorrington absolutely clobber High May from behind, which should have drawn straight red. Instead, because USSF-sanctioned refs are terrible, he merely saw yellow. What Thorrington did would be enough to be tied up and shot in some parts of the world. Here? He gets to finish the game...

But all hell broke loose when the Hunchback of Nacho Libre (Blanco) punched DC's Clyde Simms in the gut while trying to get him to let go of the ball (I guess?). A scuffle ensued that allowed Marc Burch to shove Blanco to the ground, at which point Blanco jumped up and attempted to gouge Simms eye. Fortunately, the ref did agree to let Blanco see red, which in turn only escalated the problem. Reportedly, Blanco spit on one of the officials, headbutted a DC team official, and threw a streamer.

Don Garber asked for the tape on that third one.

Those accusations have led the Chicago Fire Vice President of Communications Craig Elkin to give the following "account" of what Blanco did:

"[Blanco] did stop at the bench to pick up whatever and the guy got on him, and when he turned to leave, his forehead did graze the cheek or jaw area," Elkin said.

That's right ladies and gentlemen: you can all rest easy, as Craig Elkin has assured us that Blanco merely let his forehead graze the cheek or jaw area of a DC official. What, did they cuddle afterwards? Who paid for dinner? Does Blanco put out?

But at least Elkin did something to acknowledge a situation that actually happened. Don Garber hasn't said more than two words on the matter, nor has putz in training, Ivan Gazidis. Honestly, can't you picture both of them hiding under their desks at MLS HQ, texting each other on whether or not it's safe to come out yet? Even though the inssue involves their players, the sad reality is that no one really knows what MLS is going to do about this situation, because:

1. It was an Open Cup game, and thus, not an MLS-sanctioned match.
2. Blanco makes the league a lot of money
3. Don Garber seems to change his mind each week on what the rules are, so no doubt, he has plenty of room to play with this MLS-team-in-a-non-MLS-match.

Fortunately, USSF, which would technically have oversight of MLS, is looking at the tape, and will hopefully sit Blanco down or at least fine him a good chunk of change. But in my mind, the league has to send a clear message that they will not tolerate this behavior from their players. How can you not suspend a player for taking a swing at another player? What if he had actually connected to a less protected area, like the face or groin? Part of Blanco's salary is on MLS's books (the majority is paid by the Chicago ownership group, since he is a designated player), so he should be held accountable as a league employee, let alone as one of it's most visible representatives. If I'm the face of a big corporation, and I punch someone in a barfight, doesn't it make my organization look bad? Shouldn't they have to do something to me to keep the stock holders happy?

Well, MLS doesn't have stock holders. They have a group of fans who want to see the league rise to new heights. And one of the players MLS purposefully hitched their wagon to has a known history of violence against players and the media, and he is acting out again. The league must act firmly and quickly.

But my guess is that MLS will throw all their "Fair Play" objectives under the rug, and let Blanco waltz right onto whatever pitch he wants to until the season is over. We've already seen how they bend the rules for certain teams (L.A.) who are making money for the league. Certainly, any lenience Blanco receives is due as much to the fact that he sells a lot of jerseys and tickets as anything else. Money talks, and Don Garber has the spine of a jellyfish; I'd expect Blanco to wear brass knuckles on the field and get them spit-shined by the 4th official.

Imagine if David Stern was the Commisioner of MLS. Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest know all to well how he treats situations like this.

Once again, MLS has a chance to show they are a legit league that has a structure and a set of rules that don't change based on the name on the back or front of your jersey. They could show everyone that they are cracking down on rough play, and not making special exceptions for certain players. Instead, the league will most likely, in trademark fashion, send out a press release around 5pm on Friday that says they "harshly condemn" Blanco's actions but will not sanction him for it. Or they'll say nothing at all.

Either way, MLS loses. Too bad Blanco will have to miss the opening round of the U.S. Open Cup in 2009. I'm sure he's learned his lesson.

On the bright side for Crew fans, if I'm Brian McBride, do I really want to be anywhere near that cancer-riddled locker room for my reunion tour? We've still got a locker for ya in Columbus, Brian. Don't take the dust covers off of the couch and chairs in the Chicago home just yet.

Don W. Garber

Today, MLS Reigning Idiot Don "DP Rules? What DP Rules...?" Garber has decided to enforce MLS' policy (yeah, as of Thursday...)that streamers are only allowed during celebrations. From the horse's ass's mouth:

"MLS has reviewed the increasingly coordinated use of streamers at some MLS stadiums to affect play, particularly as a distraction to visiting players as they attempt to take corner kicks. MLS teams will communicate to their supporter groups MLS’s existing policy – that streamers are not to be used to impact on-field competition or thrown toward a player, referee or stadium staff member. While the spontaneous use of streamers and confetti as an expression of fan enthusiasm will not be prohibited, the continued practice will be kept under review. Should issues continue regarding the use of streamers, MLS will have no option but to prohibit streamers.”

Obviously, as a chief streamer-thrower and provider, I am more than biased against this decision. However, I think we should fully adhere to the commish's wishes. In fact, here are a list of things I plan on celebrating tonight:

- Goals
- A great save
- Player intros
- The 1st minute
- The last minute
- The 2nd minute
- Corner kicks
- The 3rd minute
- Don Garber's decision to ban bottles and batteries being thrown on the field.
- The upswing in racial sensitivity at CCS.
- The stage
- The 4th minute
- The beer I drank before the game.
- The beer you drank before the game.
- Beer in general.
- Blake
- Grant
- Hard Hat Mike
- Ryan
- Jericho
- The 5th minute...

In fact, I'm so fired up by Commissioner Garber's mandate, I fully plan on making every Crew game a celebration of life. This has got to be the DUMBEST policy distinction I have ever heard. Streamers are allowed as long as we're celebrating? Well, what if I throw a celebratory streamer when Ned Grabavoy comes and takes a corner kick? How do they know I'm not celebrating the fact Grabs isn't here cloggin up our midfield anymore?

The other absurdity is that 99% of people are not going to know this because the statement came out:

1. Late on Friday night.

and

2. On a website no one reads - mlsnet.com

Of course, even if every Crew fan was forced to read the statement, it's really a moot point what Don Garber decides to ban if everyone in the section ignores him. I can't even remember how many streamers I threw two weeks ago, let alone the streamers everyone else threw. And how exactly do they expect to police this section? Do they realy think CPD wants to waste 20-50 officers on a Saturday night in the summer, when they'll most likely need to be out policing real criminals, and not douchebags who drink too much and try to hit Ronnie O'Brien in the head with crepe paper?

And even if there were 100 police officers with computer analysis and toilet paper-sniffing dogs, do they really think kicking out the best atmosphere Crew Stadium has seen in over 4 years is a GOOD thing? MLS ain't in the position to lost money from ticket buyers who can easily sit in the air conditioning and watch the games while throwing and saying whatever the hell they want. The atmosphere we've created got 600 supporters out to the U.S. Open Cup match in the corner. Last year, we would have had 70-80 max. People don't just come to the games for the game; they come for the atmosphere.

I encourage non-violent protest against overbearing governmental organizations when necessary. Since MLS is a governing body, and since, the last time I checked, you can't assault someone with streamers, no matter how many you throw, I encourage you to grab your friends, a handful of streamers, and continue to proceed as planned. And I can promise you this: the moment I get kicked out of Crew Stadium for throwing a streamer, they won't have to ban me. I won't be back.