Sometimes fate is a cruel mistress. Many Columbus Crew fans can attest to that, as they saw trees uprooted, sheds destroyed, and 48+ hours of no electricity over the last few days. In fact, depending where you live, you might not be able to read this article until after the New York Red Bulls game. Or after the next Buckeyes game. Or, if you're in Westerville, possibly Christmas. 2010 Christmas, that is. Apparently, Hurricane Ike was not a fan of perfectly landscaped neighborhoods and good high school football. Too bad.
But there are other times where fate is a supermodel alone with you on a desert island, and she's gone into "Ah, what the hell, let's go for it!" mode.
Saturday in Toronto was one of those days.
In case you missed it, the Crew scrapped out a 1-1 Trillium Cup Winner over their ever-growing rivals, Toronto F.C. Pat Noonan was a beast, Robbie Rogers was a demon, and the pair of Danny O'Rourke and Chad Marshall made short work of any and all Toronto attacks. Sadly, the Crew only earned a point because plastic turf is not real grass, rain doesn't help fake grass get better, and Alejandro Moreno was juuuuuuust a little tired form all his international call-ups (at least, I hope that's all it was.)
But most of all, Saturday was a day that Columbus Crew Supporters proved once and for all the definition of Massive, as the Crew added what may be the first of many pieces of hardware to the 2008 trophy case.
Below is a desription of the tales that have become "Massive Toronto Road Trip: September '08". Names and dates were changed to protect the innocent (except any story involving Ryan...). Read at your own peril.
- Arriving at Crew Stadium early Saturday morning, many were bleary-eyed and tired. Fortunately, a camera crew was there to film all of us, as was Crew GM Mark McCullers. Give the man credit, he helped subsidize the trip, and got up at the crack of dawn to see us off. I like him more and more every day.
- Ryan and I were first to crack open a cold one. In case you're keeping score, it was the Champagne of Beers, which as everyone knows, is Miller High Life. Sadly, no one had the Motts Apple Juice of Beers (Strongbow) readily available.
- New York had a crap-ton of vineyards.
- Canada's border security policy #345: If the bus is full of white people in soccer gear, don't bother to check their passports. Welcome to Canada!
- We thought we were about two hours away from Toronto, as the sign said "Toronto - 120". with it already being 1pm, we were all frightened we'd miss the beginning of the game, which was at 3:30, if we hit any traffic. It took 10 minutes before we realized the sign was in kilometers, which takes roughly 34 minutes to traverse.
- At some point, after some drinking had occurred, it was decided that we should try to act like the stereotypical dumb American many Canadians think of when they look at the lower 48. This led me to say, in a thick Tennessee accent, that I would argue with a Toronto concession stand worker about the fact that the grass in BMO looked too real to be fake. Eventually, I stated, I would get so far into the argument that I would say, "I want to fight you. Physically. With my fists." Sadly, after that, no one would allow me anywhere near the concession stands...
- After more drinking occurred, we all determined that the team should let us take the Trillium Cup (if we won it) back on the bus with the supporters, or at the very least, let us drink out of it. File that one away as "best idea ever."
- Ryan professed his undying love for beef-steak nuggets.
- The bus pulled up, and we unloaded right at the Red Patch Boys Tailgate.
Awk-ward......
- We were swarmed by camera crews from Toronto, who wanted to get our international perspective on the match. Ryan was one of the first to be interviewed, and as he did all he could to tell the camera people what he was thinking, the alcohol fought him every step of the way. Fortunately, the camera people thought he was just French-Canadian.
- They have a lot of funny rules in Canada, but one of them is that you can't have an open container of alcohol in public. However, one can circumvent this rule by pouring the alcohol into a coffee cup. Apparently, it has to do with the government being subsidized by Tim Hortons.
- After about 20 minutes, the coffee cups had a weird reaction to the booze, and started to fall apart quicker than Carlos Ruiz inside the penalty area (ZING!). This led many to do the unthinkable: pay 12 American dollars for Carlsberg.
- Once inside the stadium, we got to our seats and started chanting. Our chants? MASSIVE. But the stadium itself? Talk about underwhelming...
First, BMO Field is about the size of Dublin Coffman's football stadium. Not that Crew Stadium is going to seat 50k anytime soon, but at least it doesn't look like the field you had P.E. on when you were in high school.
Further, while the announced "crowd" of 19k was supposedly a sellout, it looked like fewer than your average night at Crew Stadium. I would call the "stands" 2/3 full MAX. Not exactly what one expects of the supposed "crown jewel" of of Don Garber.
And yes, I "like" using quotation marks...
- If you don't know what happened at the game, go rewatch it.
- One disturbing trend from during the game: there were at least 20-30 TFC fans scattered about through the crowd that spent more time watching, taunting, and making homophobic gestures towards the Crew Supporters than they did actually watching the game. Real winners, these guys.
- Under the stadium, while on a beer run, one of our supporters had his scarf stolen from him while he was standing in line. The douchebag who stole it is the one we see at Crew Stadium every year with TFC, the idiot who shaves a Maple Leaf into the back of his head. After the Crew fan asked him for the scarf back, Hoser Loser offered to "trade" the Crew supporter for a TFC scarf. Not sure how you can call "stealing and then offering something less than what was stolen as compensation" a "trade", but the Crew Supporter consented. Keep this incident in mind for later...
- At the conclusion of the game, the Black and Gold came over to give the supporters a cheer, then came back with the Trillium Cup. Sadly, the name only gets worse the more I say it; sounds a bit like something Luke Skywalker would wear in a little league game. Can't we call it something cool, like the "Tri", or "The thing we're gonna win every year?"
Name aside, I'm glad those Canuck Bastards didn't get their mitts on it.
- We were held by security for about 15 minutes so the stadium could clear out. This plan worked smashingly, as everyone left the grounds.
Well, everyone except for about 200 knuckle-draggers who thought it would be fun to take on the Crew Supporters, of which about half were either women, children (12 and under, in a few cases), over the age of 55, or in the most of the rest of the cases, too drunk/tired to really worry about proving any modicum of machismo.
- As we exited the stadium, the TFC goons start harrassing Crew fans, getting in their faces, and tongue wagging about how awesome their team is. This led to more tongue wagging back, which then resulted in pushing and shoving. Eventually someone broke through from TFC, even though the Toronto police were trying to give the Crew fans some protection.
Then it all kinda broke loose.
- The first guy I saw was a large man, about 6-4, and well over 300 lbs, who came charging at our intrepid Crew fan who had already had his scarf stolen. This Crew fan was standing in front of a parked car, and as the big oaf swung and missed, 3-4 Crew fans threw this huffed-up hoser up against it, and held him until the cops got there.
The cops proceeded to cuff, throw to the ground, hogtie, and mace this jackass. Then they kicked him in the ribs for good measure. Note to self: Don't get fisty around the Canadian Police.
- We had about 200 yards to get across the parking lot, and along the way, minor shouting scuffles broke out, but no true fights (funny the perspective one gains after witnessing a little police brutality). As we tried to herd ourselves back on the bus, insults were still being shouted by TFC, and one of their supporters ran through and stole a scarf off the neck of one of our boys, which did nothing to help matters.
- One of the Crew's longtime supporters was pushed to the ground, and her brother had been dragged away by either the TFC fans or the cops (not sure, as that's hearsay that I did not see.)
- Finally, after about 15 minutes, everyone got on the bus, and was accounted for. Someone from Toronto's fan group was sent on to our bus to offer to trade the stolen Crew scarf "in return for the one that was stolen earlier..."
We told them to stick it where the sun don't shine, as the only scarf we had was the previously mentioned peace offering for stealing ANOTHER one of our scarves. Sadly this did leave us down a scarf, but it left us about +50 in the "maturity", "honor", and "awesome" categories.
On that note, if you see a Crew fan walking around at Ruby's who is about 6'11 without a scarf, give him a couple of bucks. He shouldn't have to buy another one.
- Once on the bus, we all proceeded to sing loudly for the Crew, and drink even more alcohol. Much back-slapping ensued.
- Then we all noticed we were being given a police escort to our hotel. This caused even more unbelief, back-slapping, and "We are MASSIVE!" chants.
- We deboarded at one of the nicest hotels in Toronto, in the shadow of the CN tower, the Rogers Center, and Chad Marshall. This was the players hotel, and it was where we stayed for the night.
From here, stories start to get fuzzy, and lines become blurred. Many of us ran into our favorite players, shared an elevator with the Rotund One, and even managed to say a few words of praise, like, "Nice game..." or "Hey, you're Brian Carrol!".
As people went out that night, more tales of debauchery happened, many of which, out of solidarity with my fellow Crew fans, I cannot share. But we'll just say that rumors flew the next morning. There was a rumor of a girl trying to fight the Rogers Center field crew, physically; a rumor that some were shotgunning beers until 4 in the morning in a hotel suite that could easily house a celebrity next weekend; yet another rumor persisted that I went to bed at 10:30 (a bald-faced lie!). The best unconfirmed story was that one of the Massive Crew fans locked himself out of his room in only his boxer-briefs. No one but the hotel front desk can truly confirm how he got back into his room.
But there was one true to life story I can confirm for you. After 8 hours in a bus, after 3 years of missing the playoffs, after 12 years of everything from Tony Sanneh to DC United in the playoffs, a bunch of Crew fans got what they deserved: a moment with some hardware. Credit to the Crew F.O. staff who made it happen. And though a lot of the last paragraph was rumor, when I tell you that I, and probably 2 dozen other Crew fans, got to not only hold the Trillium Cup, but drink Stella Artois from its crowning bowl, I am telling the 100% truth. Fate was kind to us on that day, and no paycheck I may have blown can ever replace the good times and great friends we had on this trip.
While the events of the day were almost marred by what could have been an ugly incident outside of the stadium, the end result was beautiful. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I guess. That, or drink harder liquor. The point is, despite Toronto's best efforts on the field and off, they couldn't keep the Columbus Crew from yet another historic chapter in what's becoming a season for the ages.
Where You Go, We Follow...
No Guille? No problem...
As I sit here, unable to sleep in anticipation of this bus ride up to Toronto, I can't help but think how convenient the timing is of the "lower-body" injury suffered by Guillermo Barros Schelotto. In case you missed the articles
about it in the Dispatch, Guille tweaked a hammy on Thursday and may miss a week or two. Of course, everyone freaked about this, including my brother, who sent me a feverish email with the phrase "This is NOT good!" as the headline, and a link to the Dispatch story. We talked each other off the ledge in subsequent emails, noting that we bought Noonan for a reason, we just spent a week talking about how deep this team is, and that Sigi will make any adjustments necessary. Calmly, we both started breathing again, and hopefully life will continue to go on.
But after a few days of chewing on it, I think Guille just pulled a fast one on Canada. The Crew can afford the luxury of him sitting it out, so if he wants to say he "tweaked" his hamstring, or that it is "hard", I'm cool with that. And I have my reasons for thinking he's bluffing. Consider:
1. The turf in venerable old BMO field is abhorred by aging soccer players, especially talented ones. The ball plays differently, the game doesn't really sort out for the first 20 minutes anyway due to the tactical advantage it gives, and it leaves you sore for days after playing on it. Why would we want to put one of our best players at risk on this field, against a team that hasn't proven they can win, regardless of who they throw on the field?
2. The playoffs are looming, and Guille is going to go from playing about 23 games last year to playing possibly 35-plus this year. He's got to take a break, and looking down the schedule, this is the only team he could legitimately take a night off against. Further, if he had to take a two week vacation, New York isn't a bad choice, either. Keep him healthy for the New England rematch, which will be decidedly closer, the Galaxy game, when everyone in Columbus who cares will be there, and the final matches against Chicago and DC, which will be bloodbaths.
3. Guillermo could probably care less about Toronto, it's fans, and coach (though after the last Toronto Tilt, Guille said John Carver's team "play very badly..."), but more importantly, that team, fanbase, and coach HATE Guillermo. After their 0-0 tie in April, Carver could not just take solace in the fact that his team held one of MLS's best offenses to 0 goals; he went out of his way to criticize Guillermo specifically:
"I've not seen anything like it, to be honest," Carver said. "I've never been involved with anything like that before."
Right, John. In all your years coaching professional clubs, like Newcastle (1 game) and Leeds (5 games), you didn't see anything like it. Perhaps if you hadn't spent those 6 games, and the entirety of your stay in Toronto, looking for an official to blame and then berate, maybe you would have noticed more things going on during the games.
So why would Guille give these putzes in Toronto exactly what they want? Possibly because he realizes that he is the best in MLS? The face value of the tickets in Toronto should be devalued by two loons for todays game, as the best player in the league won't be making an appearance. Sadly, you can't expect people who worship Danny Diccio and Amado Guevarra to appreciate "talent" when they see it. While they won't know what they're missing, we certainly do.
4. Guillermo knows the Crew, when playing at their best, don't need him to beat the USL afterthoughts and Championship rejects that populate TFC's roster card. Not saying the Crew will beat Toronto tomorrow; anything CAN happen, after all. But there is no reason the Crew should lose to a team like Toronto, even with our best player in street clothes. Honestly, would you take any player on Toronto's roster on trade for Emmanuel Ekpo or Pat Noonan?
Didn't think so.
5. Finally, do you remember when Guille received a yellow card for supposed "elaboration" on fouls he received late in the most recent Toronto game? If not, it was quintessential to understanding Guille. After getting knocked to the ground for about the 80th time by one of Carver's hapless thugs, Guille got up wondering why play had been stopped, restarted, and no free kick awarded. When a TFC player advised him the foul had been called on him for "diving", a completely bogus charge, and that he received a yellow card ofr it, Guille thought so little of the decision that he threw his head back in laughter, shocked that the game could be that absurdly officiated.
But almost immediately, his face went from pure delight to dead on seriousnes, as he looked towards Sigi, Robert, and the gang, signaled for a substitute, and with his hands, made the gesture indicating "no more, I'm done..." It was as if he was saying, "I tried my best to play on this plastic fake field, with uncoordinated goons on the other team, and blind knuckle-draggers posing as referees. I tried. But that's it. This is not worth my time. Get me out of here." Naturally, a man who has played football at it's height for a sustained period of time would be the best barometer of where football should be played. He clearly doesn't think it's Toronto. Don Garber and his MLS cronies would do well to listen to the feelings of it's league's best player when it comes time to add possibly ANOTHER Canadian team.
Do I think Guille is using this injury as a convenient excuse? Of course. And I applaud him for it. Toronto, it's stadium, and fans, aren't worth his time. And that's to say nothing of it's football team.
Free Health Care Causes Brain Loss.
Dear Canada,
I know usually it's intelligent, eclectic Canadians lecturing us poor, inbred Americans about how to be more multi-cultural and politically correct. The dichotomy has been in place (at least in your minds) for some time now, and I know that by writing this letter, I might very well be nudging your poorly balanced egos even further off the deep end than they already sit. However, you need an intervention.
Last night at BMO field, some of your country's "soccer fans" booed not one, but two national anthems (England and the US). In fact, some even started singing the Canadian anthem OVER the US anthem. (This has happened before by the way, specifically at Crew Stadium, where many of your fans stated they couldn't hear the singer of the US national anthem from the loudspeakers. I believed you then, but now I'm not so sure...) To add to the absurdity, today many people are trying to coddle you, and make you feel better. Somehow, despite what happened, the fans at the game are somehow the victims. Reporters are saying "there was a mixup," that the Canadians thought their anthem would not be played. ESPN has actually tried to help further, adding that they "take the blame" for the mixup, presumably because they want to try to make this all seem like a terrible misunderstanding, instead of what it really is.
A revealing glimpse into the true thinking of most Canadian soccer fans.
Instead of showing the entire soccer-viewing continent what class fans you have, Canadian and Toronto fans in specific showed that their attitude is essentially that of a whiny teen on "My Super Sweet 16." When it was thought that no Canadian anthem was going to be played, many started booing the proceedings. Some fans tried to make things more "positive" by singing over another country's national anthem. These anthems are sung by people from those countries, and the anthems can still be sung because in most cases, people died defending their country's right to have an anthem. These anthems, whether you are from the country or not, are special, because of what it took to make them. But in Toronto, these anthems are only special and to be revered as long as everyone has to sit through your anthem as well. Instead of appreciating the countries represented, the fans at last night's ASG felt that if they could not celebrate their country, then no one else should get to either. Way to roll out the welcome mat.
Many Canadians are saying it was OK to sing or boo because their anthem was not getting played. If I can ask a question...what makes Toronto fans think they are entitled to having the national anthem played at this game to begin with? I realize the game was played in a Candaian city, but unplug your fingers from your ears, and hear me out. Like it or not, MLS is a soccer league mandated by FIFA through the US Soccer Federation. The game last night was an MLS exhibition. It was played in an MLS stadium. And where are the home offices of the league? Why in the US! So, it technically makes sense that the league who is presiding over the match and fielding a team plays the anthem of the country they are based out of, just as it makes sense that they play the anthem of the country where their opponents for the night, West Ham United, are based out of.
Whether or not you like it, MLS is not based in Canada. I mean, it's just not. Trust me, if it would get you all to stopp the incessant whining, I'd vote to move it there. But for now, of the 14 teams in the league, MLS has one team in Canada, and, after incidents like last night, some of us are starting to think that's one team too many.
But already, I can hear you chiding me, calling me a hater of Canada, a xenophobe, or God forbid, a Republican. Maybe that's deserved. But if you don't belive me, you can independently verify that my idea isn't insane, or at the very least, it's not unheard of to only play the anthems of the two teams involved in a game. Just watch the Barcalona - Chivas match that will be played at Soldier Field in Chicago in a few weeks. I can guarantee the two teams countries anthems will be played. But I wouldn't bet five bucks that the US anthem will be played, even though the event is taking place in the US. It would make no more sense to play the US anthem than it would for every nationality represented on the two sides to be played, since certainly not all Barca or Cheevus roster members are Spaniards and Mexicans.
For further observation, at a major league baseball game, do the play the Dominican Republic, Venezuela, or Korean national anthems? Oddly, they only play the songs of the home coutries of the two entities involved.
Toronto should be happy to be included in the proceedings, thrilled that MLS is honoring you with one of the league's focal point matches. Yet not only do you not appreciate this gesture of goodwill, Canadian soccer fan, you get pissy and throw a fit after 5 seconds of a perceived injustice at a game that is literally the biggest bone MLS can throw you. On top of that, if the fans could have waited for 5 minutes, they would have seen the league continue to bend over backwards to make their anthem the focal point of ESPN's opening TV coverage. With skin this thin, I'm not quite sure how you are going to react to getting bitch-slapped into giving up the rights for Brian McBride, but I can be fairly certain it will end with a lot of crying and people once again making exceptions for you. Kind of like the kid in school who poops his pants, but he's retarded, so it's OK.
Thankfully, when Columbus has one or two boneheads that do something backwards and ignorant (like utter a racist slur or fight), the rest of the world is disappointed because there is the perception that we ARE better than that. But Toronto? Hey, c'mon, don't blame them, it's not their fault. They live in Canada, where everyone has...what...a massive inferiority complex? Why does everyone make exceptions for you?
In closing, we all know you think you are MLS's saviors, the only fans who care about your team, the fans upon whom all other fans should gaze to glean from the wisdom dripping off your brows. But incidents like the one from last night only show how far many of you really have yet to go.
Intercepted: Toronto Football Chat...
Recently, a friend emailed me this transcript of a conversation he snagged from a forum named "Lovers of the Red". Don't ask me why my friend was on such a site, as it's beyond me. I also cannot fully account for the veracity of the findings. However, what is to follow is a glimpse into the mind of a Toronto F.C fan (or in this case, four of them) the week before a Crew matchup. And it's much, much weirder than anything we could have imagined.
RedPizzatch27: What up
Royal_mounted_brigadier_general_of_the_leaf: Howdy
BMOrgy69: hai guyz
Dichiosdingleberry: cannot effing wait fortis weekend!!11!
RedPizzatch27: srsly
BMOrgy69: wtig
Royal_mounted_brigadier_general_of_the_leaf: huh?
RedPizzatch27: ??
Dichiosdingleberry: lol
BMOrgy69: wtig = what time is game
RedPizzatch27: oooohh....4pm
Royal_mounted_brigadier_general_of_the_leaf: it's 4pm
Royal_mounted_brigadier_general_of_the_leaf: You guys think we'll win?
BMOrgy69: OMG yes. we r soooo much better now.
Dichiosdingleberry: please god, I hope so.
RedPizzatch27: no doubt.
RedPizzatch27: Anyone in here know who that Robbie Rogers kid is?
Dichiosdingleberry: sucks. He didn't even make there u-23 tema.
Dichiosdingleberry: *team
BMOrgy69: yah but hez cute tho...
Royal_mounted_brigadier_general_of_the_leaf: excuse me?
BMOrgy69: just sayin...
RedPizzatch27: weird.
Dichiosdingleberry: hoooookay....so whosin charge of the TIFO?
Royal_mounted_brigadier_general_of_the_leaf: Terry.
Dichiosdingleberry: whose Terry? lol.
Royal_mounted_brigadier_general_of_the_leaf: Older guy, kind of has a beer belly. doesn't know much about soccer, but he's a huge Toronto fan.
RedPizzatch27: that's like all of our fans, lol.
BMOrgy69: ROTFLMAO
Dichiosdingleberry: sad but true
Dichiosdingleberry: whose terry?
Royal_mounted_brigadier_general_of_the_leaf: Just look for the guy with the signs. I'm helping him, and I know who you are, so I'll find you.
Dichiosdingleberry: Kewl
Royal_mounted_brigadier_general_of_the_leaf: hey, anyone know how you spell the opposite of "lose"?
RedPizzatch27: Wyn?
Dichiosdingleberry: Tie?
BMOrgy69: Columbus? jk, lol
Dichiosdingleberry: that might be it actually...
RedPizzatch27: God, we suck
RedPizzatch27: aight, I'm out. Gotta go jerk it to a PS I made of Danny D making out with Chris Benoit's corpse.
BMOrgy69: FTW!!
Royal_mounted_brigadier_general_of_the_leaf: NICE
Dichiosdingleberry: want...
RedPizzatch27: l8r
Sadly, this is as much as we can post of th transcript online, as the rest of it is worse than what you would read on those Dateline "To Catch a Predator" shows. If you're going up to TFC this weekend, bring your hazmat suits.
Paint the Town Yellow...
While the group we're bringing to the great white north is no where near the size the Toronto lackeys brought to Crew Stadium, the few that are going can still make quite the...um..."impact."
Since it's a long drive, I'm sure many of you will be in need of a restroom upon arrival at Toronto. Below are a list of "bathrooms" in the downtown area.
Drink up!
