Massive Photos: The Crew Arrive at Port Columbus

The 2008 Columbus Crew returned home from MLS Cup, with the MLS Cup, and a bunch of bags under their eyes, only to meet a gaggle of supporters, news media, and other random people with extremely nice cameras. As one of those latter groups, I took it upon myself to snap some shots, here's what I got:

It was a very "special" win for this guy...

Some of the Supporters on hand.

And a few more.

Mayor Michael Coleman helped Crew Assistant(?) Coach Robert Warzycha bring the Phil F. Anschutz trophy home to Columbus. No word on if Mayor Coleman's wife was able to get her wish of filling the entire thing with Margarita Mix.

The fact this man can stand after the beating he took this season is commendable. Alejandro Moreno os a tough son of a gun...

"OMG Danny, someone is taking your picture...or maybe they're taking mine?"

Eddie Gaven, minus beard, signs autographs for Crew fans with facial hair.

He's fast, he's quick, his hat is made of knit...

Emmanuel, Emmanuel....

Mayor Coleman, a man of the people.

"Why the hell is 'Lost' coming back for another season? And shouldn't it technically be called 'Found'?"

Bob Rifle explains to the Mayor why he feels gun control is a bad idea.

Brad Evans...we're all crossing fingers for you in the expansion draft...

Mohawk, Ipod, Pillow. Andy Iro is set for whatever life throws at him, such as random naptime, or pillowfights with Mr. T.

Gino Padula actually broke a sweat carrying this thing around...

...so Ekpo and Junge came to the rescue.

The Polish Rifle talks to the local journos. Is this a sign of things to come?

And on that day, the Lord Jesus Christ, the God of Heaven and Earth, descended upon the earth and decreed that his f...oh wait, it's Frankie Hejduk.

Parting shot. I bought 15 of these by the way...

Morning Afterthoughts: Better Than Ever

The Nordecke has never been bigger, and the Crew have never been better. Coincidence?

(phot0s courtesy Sam Fahmi)

You know, some of us just are not right in the head. Some of us wear the same clothes to every match because it's good luck. Some of us plan our social and work calendar around an MLS schedule. Some of us spend half our paychecks following this team. And after the Crew's first ever advancement to MLS Cup last night, some of us were shedding tears of joy.

For those of you who may find the thought of a grown man crying over a soccer game, allow me to give you a proper introduction to the psychology. Do you recall your frame of mind after watching Brian McBride score in the 29th minute? Did the sick feeling creep into your stomach when McBride, of all pople, scored what could have been the dagger in an otherwise magical season? If so, you've felt on some level what it has been like to be a Crew fan these past 13 seasons. Because there is no team in MLS that has had as many great seasons go down the tubes because of a missed opportunity in a crucial game, often in ways that cause sane heads to be scratched. For brevity's sake, I won't recap them here, but as any longstanding Crew fans know, the Crew just don't win games like last night. In fact, for many of us, the last 30 minutes of the game were the longest 30 minutes of recorded human history. But they led to one of the greatest nights in Columbus history. And one of it's best parties.

I don't always record a Man of the Match, but today, I and thousands of other Massive Bananas owe a debt of gratitude to the man who made it happen last night:

CHAD MARSHALL

Even many of us were bemoaning the lack of fouls being called by referee Terry Vaughn, it became clear that Chad Marshall would have a very good night. Marshall is one of the most tactical defenders in MLS, and rarely gets whistled for fouls. Still, the penultimate matchup in last night's game was bound to be between Marshall and McBride, two players who are strong in the air. And if Marshall was going to win that battle, he was going to need to be physical.

To say he abused McBride is putting it nicely. Certainly McBride got a cheap goal on a broken play created by a heads-up quick throw in by Blanco; Hesmer and Danny O'Rourke didn't help matters by assuming the other would get to the ball as the aerial McBride did what he does best. But outside of that play, McBride was hardly a danger to the Crew, thanks to Marshall's hounding And how many times in the 2nd half did we see the familar sight of a ball going toward the Crew defense, only to be gobbled by Marshall or another Crew defender, and turned right back up the field for a counter attack? The credit for weathering that storm has to go to the outstanding defense played last night by everyone, but especially Marshall.

And, do I need to remind you who brought us all back from the pit of despair with his header? Watching Marshall's goal again in HD slow motion is a thing of beauty, and the way he used his entire body to fight off his defender in the air while letting his head do all the work was damn near poetic. In all honesty, it puts one in the mind of a former Crew player by the name of McBride, who happened to be the one Marshall burned on the play.

Speaking of McBride, it is now 5 times in an Eastern Conference Final without a trip to MLS Cup. Here's hoping that his wife who convinced him to play in Chicago instead of where he belonged gets a nice bit of silent treatment for the next few weeks from McBridesmaid, the MLS all-time league leader in playoff futility*.

But the best thing about last night's win? It showed a lot of us that the Crew can do it. The city was a buzz about the Crew, and you get the sense that in some pockets of Columbus, while the interest was legit, it was salted with the doubt of previous failures. Sure many were interested, but the thinking might have been to wonder if last night would turn out like it had all the other times. To any of you who doubted (including myself, even if just a little) I am happy to report that this is not the same old Crew. To quote the oft thrown about phrase on Big Soccer, "We're as surpirsed as you are." And as any one knows, the best parties are the surprise parties. Here's your invitation.

Other Notes:

- Could the atmosphere have gotten any better last night? It didn't matter that the stands were not completely filled. The crowd who was there, soccer moms included, were the noisiest S.O.B's I've ever been around. I hope Donny Garber took note of what a real fan section looks and sounds like. Lord knows the man has "ears to hear..."

- I was hugged/kissed/groped by no fewer than 50 people after last nights win, all of whom were as shocked as I was that the Crew had just advanced to MLS Cup. And again, it's not that we're shocked that this group of guys made it there; as we've seen all year, they're a hell of a good team. But it has always seemed Columbus was cursed when it comes to winning this type of game, and last night, all of us doubters finally could put those fears to bed. It was like an Amish person being taken to Vegas in a Cadillac Escalade; we didn't know how to act, so we just stood there, with mouths wide open, staring into the vacant distance.

- There was a ton of good signage last night, and I hope we see more of the trend next season. The "Wanted. McBride. Desertion." banner was gorgeous, as were all the others. I particularly liked the banner about keeping Columbus clean, and taking out the garbage (if you missed it, Blanco called the Fire fans garbage earlier this year after a game.) We need more of that stuff, people!

- In my ongoing war with my buddy over who is better, Gaven or Evans, I received ultimate vindication last night when Eddie scored the winner. It was also just as sweet to see the man who has had so many dark days behind him at Crew Stadium get a standing ovation as he left the pitch last night. He is a runner up for me on the Man of the Match. Also, 30 seconds before he scored the goal, my brother was telling me, "We really need to take Gaven out." This comes after early in last week's game, my brother said a full-on prayer asking Jesus to allow us to score a goal soon. As soon as the words "Amen" were out of his mouth, Carroll-to-Evans-past-Hartman happened. I think both of those should count as second assists for him.

- In the tent after the game last night, there was some New England Revolution fan crowing about going to L.A. Did anyone else see this, or was I drunk?

- Since I can't leave well enough alone, I'll ask: Can the Dispatch please give us a season recap/MLS Cup preview with s special pullout section next weekend? Would that be too much to ask? They've done a fantastic job covering the Crew, but I just want a little more, please. Thanks.

In other media related news, kudos go out to 1460 The Fan, who I have often besmirched for not talking about the Crew, for finally talking about the Crew yesterday. I'll be interested in what they are saying today, as I believe some of the hosts went to the game. Also, I heard Mark the Shark on 103.9 Talk FM was giving the Crew some love, but can neither confirm nor deny this. If so, fantastic.

- The Eastern Conference Champions trophy left a little to be desired. It looked like it might be made of plastic. Or chocolate wrapped in foil. Come to think of it, I have had Easter Candy that was bigger than that thing.

- In case you need some help on the travel sites, Columbus's airport abbreviation is "CMH", and Los Angeles' airport is "LAX". If you want to fly over to Chicago just to rub anything in their faces, the airport there is "SUX".

- To all the Fire fans at the game last night: It's great you brought so many flags, really. No, that was a lot of fun. Hopefully, they helped wipe away all your tears on the ride home last night. Blues Brothers indeed.

- For a final thought on this one, I'll simply let the Man of the Match, Mr. Chad Marshall, tell us what he told Craig Mertz of mlsnet.com:

"I was the happiest I've ever been. I just told somebody that," he said. "I just started running. I don't know why. It was awesome. It's been fun for me."

I don't think anyone could have said it better.

(*fact courtesy of my burgeoning contempt for McBride not playing for the Black and Gold, and not based on any actual facts.)

Never a McBride.

Posted By: Smitty


Sorry, I hid all the eye bleach...


Diehard fans of the Columbus Crew have a lot of nicknames for former number one man and current enemy number one, Brian McBride. To name a few -

- McHead
- BMB
- Bake
- McJudas

That last one comes courtesy of Mr. McBride's decision to spurn Columbus (that fair city on a hill), for Chicago, not only a city of mobsters, corrupt politicos, and 97 mile traffic backups, but also the home of one of the Columbus Crew's arch enemies, the Chicago Fire.

Uggh...hang on...

(MPBGHRRRRRPH!)

Sorry. Just typing those two words together in a non-historical context makes me throw up in my mouth. I don't recall eating any fish today. Curious. Anyway...

So if you've not been sufficiently caught up, McJudas came back from England, ignored Columbus' phone calls (or as his agent says, his cell phone was broken. Ooops. I'm sure it would have been working if Larissa F.C. was calling), and signed with the bad guys. The very same bad guys who come to Columbus for the Eastern Conference Finals tonight. To be sure, McBride has a high probability to gain a few nicknames from the fans during the game, based on the way he plays. Whichever way the game goes though, I can guarantee I can't print most of the things he will be called tonight.

However, if McBride and the Fire become a part of the trend that is the Crew defeating opponents at home in 2008, it will mark the fifth time in McBride's storied career that he has gotten to the doorstep of MLS Cup, knocked on the door, and been told, "Hey, sorry buddy, we're all full tonight. Try back later..."

Some will quickly point out that on all four previous occasions, McBride was a Columbus Crew cat, and did all he could to get the Crew over the hump. In fact, some will argue since McBride went on to England and had a successful stint at Fulham (or F.C. U.S.A.), it's highly probable that the Crew teams lost in spite of McBride, not because of him. All of these points are valid, fair, and well-reasoned. But there is one glaring fact that cannot be ignored if the Fire loses: a trend will have emerged. Brian McBride, during a period of time that has extended over 12 seasons and 5 professional teams, will have yet to play in a league championship game.

Maybe instead of McBride, we should call him "McBridesmaid."

I know, I know, chickens have not hatched, horses don't go in front of carts, and the "Jump" to Conclusions Mat (TM) should never be brought out before the fat lady starts warming up. Still, there's a good chance that the common thread of all the Crew losses in the Eastern Conference Finals can be traced back to one guy. And that guy, for right or wrong, isn't going to be on the field tonight for the Crew.

In all honesty, would you want him?

Look, I will be the first in line to welcome McBridesmaid back once he takes off the Best Buy jersey, and goes into the hall wearing a Columbus Crew Adidas Skully. But he's not right for this team. He would clog up the middle for Guillermo, a guy who knows a thing about championships. He would get in the way of Alejandro Moreno, one of the best holding forwards playing on U.S. soil (plus, coaches would have a hard time telling them both to stop trying to "outwork" each other). The Crew is finally playing the ball on the ground; Bake does his best work in the air. The Crew has a group of guys who know that no one person is any more important than the rest of the team. Sure, BMB knows that better than anyone, but would guys like Brad Evans and Robbie Rogers have been intimidated about playing in the shadow of the MLS poster child and EPL veteran? Maybe. Would the Crew be better off with McBride back in the fold? If the chemistry the team has is any indication, probably not. He's not a bad guy; he's just not one of the guys who everyone doubted.

But ladies and gentleman, tonight, Brian McBride IS walking through that door. Only he's walking in with the enemy. The Crew are looking at a chance to rid themselves of 12 seasons of failed aspirations by making this 13th season the one to remember. And they can do it against the guy we'd all rather just forget.

Piss on the Fire, and let’s go Crew.

(And if the Crew prevails, I will be making "McBridesmaid" t-shirts for everyone.)

Smitty's Morning Afterthoughts: 1 down, 3 to go.

Last night on the field, D.C. showed us all that while they may have been a let down on the field, some of their players proved they would reign supreme over the Crew players in the blogosphere. I mean, in just one 90-minute span, D.C. posted three times, while the Crew only posted once.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....HAHAHAHAHA.....HAHAHA....HEHE....*tear*....hehe....*ahem*...Ah, that felt good.

But in all seriousness, how bad must it suck to be a D.C. fan? Before the game, you have to hand over the Supporter's Shield, reaffirming that your season didn't go the way you'd hoped; during the game, your team, which had to win to get into the playoffs, butchers every chance they have, including a trifecta of posters; Brad Evans, who gets in done down on the farm, scores what one MLS coach (okay, it was his own) calls the goal of the year; Brian Carrol, who you gave away for nothing, rubs all his nastiness in your face before hoisting the same Supporter's Shield he helped you win last year.

And to top it off, after the game, you have to drive back to Fallujah, errr, Washington D.C. But hey, on the brightside, at least you didn't make like Toronto fans and parade through the streets before getting bounced from the playoffs.

Crew fans, on the other hand, found yet another thing to celebrate last night. For the first time in Nordecke history, someone named Clark Hunt not only witnessed our Massive section, but he actually compared it to a World Cup atmosphere. From Fighting Canary Orinthologist and Massive Dispatch Columnist Michael Arace's superlative column:

Clark Hunt: "At one point during the game, my brother and I were standing on the stage there and we both said the same thing: 'Boy, this is just like being at a World Cup game.' Now, it's not quite as big, but it had that same feel."

By the way, Clarkie fails to mention that right after that, both of their eyes glazed over and turned into dollar signs at the thought that the Crew could fill that stadium every week with a team this good.

Shawn Mitchell also did a bang-up job, getting the Hunt heir on record about how he feels about moving the Black and Gold:

"We think Columbus can continue to be one of the cornerstone franchises in this league. The best way to state it directly is to say that I'm confident the Columbus Crew will be playing in Columbus, Ohio, for at least the next 50 years."

That's refreshing to hear. Now, this doesn't mean I believe I'll be 76 before I hear another peep about the Crew ever packing up and leaving town, but at least we have a the Hunt who runs the show saying he's cool with Columbus. To put it another way, you could say he's "For the 6-1-4." Or that's he'd "Go Gay for the Short North" (hey, who wouldn't!?) The point here is that next season, if some idiot Toronto fan gets pippy about the Crew moving, we can point to the guy in charge of calling the movers, and remind them he's "all 'bout Bexley", or "Lusty for Linden-McKinley" (again, who isn't?!), or whichever clever voter-registering slogan you prefer.

But last night was about more than showcasing everyone's love for our Massive Banana. It was about uniting the old with the new. The Crew dropped one of it's staunchest playoff foes, making like Parkside for many Black and Gold faithful who had drunken the haterade over the last few years, believing there was no reason to come back to the first SSS in U.S. history (by the way, the healing begins the minute you call 447-CREW. Ask for Avin.) But at the same time the Crew were winning back their old fans with a D.C. smackdown, they were creating an army of new fans. When I got into work today, I had emails from multiple friends who finally made it out to their first game. They loved the goal, loved the Nordecke, and all wanted to know one thing: Has this been going on all year?

Yes, my friends, it has. And it's going to keep happening. As the Nordecke reminded it's celebrating denizens last night, "We're Not Done Yet." And that's fer DAMN sure...

OTHER NOTES:

- The guy who dressed up in the Massive Banana costume yesterday deserves a prize, or at the very least, a Crewzer. Maybe when New England comes to town (if they make it that far), we should throw him at Kheli Dube. What?

- Shoutouts need to go to Thoma Gol from the Big Soccer boards, who makes all those great banners like the "Semper Columbus" and "In It to Win It" beauties. The same laudings should be doled out to the little kid who faithfully tapes up his MLS Cup banner every week. What is he, like, eight? And yet, he's running laps around 99% of the Nordecke (Thoma excepted) when it comes to artistic ability and guts. Someone should buy him a beer. In 13 years.

- For the first time all year, I noticed the "Brad Evans, Down on the Farm" banner, which is almost directly behind the Crew bench. Someone in our section asked, "Is that new, or has it always been there?" I responded that it is indeed not new, but is from last year. I know this only because last year, I remember looking at that banner and asking "Who the hell is Brad Evans?" My, the differene a year makes.

Also, this last paragraph cost me my quotation allowance for the week. Let's see how we do for the rest of the column.

- I take great pride in the fact that when Dante Washington walks by, I don't ask who he is, or why he gets to go to the front of the Nordecke. I just smile and nod.

- Does anyone else think Patrick Crayton (the D.C. 'keeper) is kind of funny looking? I almost felt bad for him. He had Jeff Cunningham's head on Zach Thornton's body. Also, there was some high comedy when he completely fell over in agony after Male Nurse Khumalo clanged that sitter off the crossbar. People around me were asking what happened to him. His reaction looked like something Zapruder would have been filming.

- Jehrico, Blake, and myself, having exquisite taste in music, television, and all things awesome, have decided to become the official chant-writing machine of the Nordecke and Crew Supporters. We're filling this void, because without us, you might be stuck chanting how much you love "sweet Molly Malloo". God help us. Last night we came up with some strokes of genius, namely a new Gino Padula chant. It is to the tune of the "I Dream of Genie" theme song. For those of you who never experienced "Nick at Nite" growing up, it was a show about a hot genie who lived in 60's suburbia, and got away with way more exposed flesh on T.V. than one would have expected for a "family show."

Anyway, the song goes like this:

Gi-no, Gino Padula
Gi-no, Gino Padula
Gi-no, Gino Padula
BAP...BA-DABA DA BAP!

Gi-no, Gino Padula
Gi-no, Gino...(you get the idea.)

Also, Jehrico was the one who came up with the ever poignant alt-country crooner:

You can stick your can of Red Bull up your ass!
You can stick your can of Red Bull up your ass!
You can stick your can of Red Bull,
You can stick your can of Red Bull,
You can stick your can of Red Bull up your ass!

It never caught on, but if by some stroke of luck, the Energy Drinks make it to L.A., we must use it.

- Kudos go out to whoever came up with the "Frankie's Friends 2008" badges, and then passed them out for free. Unless they weren't free, in which case I DEFINITELY paid for mine.

- If the Crew don't get at least a 4-page special section previewing the playoffs, along with a season retrospective, in Friday's Dispatch, I will not be happy. Further, if 1460 the Fan doesn't mention the Crew this week, with the Buckeyes having a bye week, and the Blue Jackets dropping more points than the Nasdaq (awe snap!), I will personally kidnap Chris Spielman and torture him by making him watch the World Series, U of M highlights, and PBS. Or if I wanted him to really suffer, I could just show him a replay of the Penn State and USC games.

In stark contrast to the lack of coverage on 1460, 610 AM has a football show on Sunday Mornings. This week one of the commentators made the joke that the Crew are scoring more often than the Buckeyes. Laugh all you want, but it's really becoming true.

- Yes, I paid $25 for a Supporter's Shield t-shirt. And no, I'm not washing it until we give up the Shield. And yes, I'll be wearing it Saturday, along with my lucky Crew Banana Hammock.

- Just think, as chilly as it was yesterday, this time next year, we could be playing a home game or two in weather much colder that 60 degrees. Champions League Fever (TM)! Catch it, then take an antibiotic.

- Okay, I'll just say it. I think the Supporter's Shield looks like the Pontiac logo. Possible sponsorship tie-in? The irony here is that with an infusion of cash that a sponsorship would bring, we could afford to have a trophy that doesn't look like, well, the Pontiac logo.

- If you want to have fun, go watch the replay of the game posted on MLS Net, and listen to the D.C. broadcasters, mainly play-by-play guy Dave Johnson. Grab your favorite beverage, and have a drinking game revolving around how many times he says "Oh My..." If your drink is anything stronger than Natty Light, you'll be dead of alcohol poisoning by minute 17.

Finally, let's all just relax and enjoy this thing before Saturday, because once that whistle blows, it will be a white-knuckle ride to the finish.

Smitty's Silly Match Preview: Los Angeles Galaxy

Celebrities are made every day on the internet, whether it be by doing a spot-on impersonation of Sarah Palin, or by playing Dragon Force on Guitar Hero 3 while blindfolded, or by taking a picture a day of yourself for a year. Face it, when we hear the word celebrity, starlets like Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie take away from the true meaning of the word. A real celebrity is someone who can hold an audience of thousands in utter awe, someone who causes grown men and women alike to stare when they walk in a room, someone whose face on a billboard can sell a bag of crap with rusty nails poking out of it. A real celebrity can travel to multiple countries, and get a table whenever he wants it, wherever he wants it.

With all these fake celebrities running around, it'll be refreshing to finally see a REAL celebrity on the field Saturday night in Crew Stadium:



Wait...who did you think I was talking about?

GAME 27 - LOS ANGELES GALAXY



What You Need To Know: Bruce Arena says that soccer in the midwest is a "circus", which many people though was a slam on Middle America. In reality, he was just trying to say that Cuahetemoc Blanco is a grade-A clown.

New Additions: Eddie Lewis was brought in so some of the lesser-paid players could use his AARP discount at the local Dennys.

Chances Of Making The Playoffs:About as real as Posh Spice's Sweater Puppies (TM).

Topical Insult Of The Week: "Hey all you Galaxy fans! Maybe the government will send you a rescue package to save your season!"

Or, if you're less sensitive:

"Even though they found Steve Fossett's remains, rescuers are saying there is no hope of finding Alexi Lalas's resume anywhere for the next 12 months."

What, too soon?

Crew Notes:

- Coach Sigi Schmid and Captain Frankie Hejduk will not be able to stalk the sidelines and lead the team into victory, after getting thrown out of last week's match. Look for Sigi to be hanging out at the concession stands. As for Frankie? He'll be putting new meaning into the phrase "going on a beer run..."

- New song this week for the Nordeck (to the tune of "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls)-

If you wanna make the playoffs
You've gotta play some D
Landon cannot win it
If you lose 4-3

If you wanna make the playoffs
It's not a likely dream
But you can always root for
A F***ing Massive Team!

Match preview here.

Prediction: Gino Padula makes mincemeat of David Beckham (best matchup of the year, for me), Andy Iro and Chad Marshall punish Lando Cal Prissycakes, and California Boys Robbie Rogers and Chad Marshall make Bruce Arena wish there was a fence around Cali, as they score in the Crew's 3-0 walk.

Morning Afterthoughts: The Logic of Frankie

Posted by: Smitty



Before a soaked crowd of 15,000+ in rain-drenched Gillette Stadium, the Columbus Crew beat the New England Revolution 1-0, taking all six possible points from the Boston boys in the month of September. Along with those points, the Crew left Massachusets with a few other things in their possesion:

- The inside track on homefield advantage in the playoffs
- Ditto on the Supporter's Shield
- A lock of Shalrie Joesph's hair
- About 12 gallons of water from Hurrican Kyle, once all the uniforms were wrung out
- Another clean sheet by William Hesmer and the defense
- One more ticket sold for the L.A. Galaxy game

That last bit comes courtesy of Franklin Hejduk. He made a play that all of Crew Nation enjoyed for a split second before realizing its consequences. After getting stoned on a rifle shot, which was collected by Matt Reis, Hejduk ran up behind Reis and tried to kick the ball out of his hands. Immediately, the appropriate colored card emerged form the ref's hip pocket, and since it was the second Banana-colored card for Hejduk in the game, he was sent to the showers. At the time, this meant the Crew had to hold a tenuous, 1-goal lead for the bulk of 30 minutes to gain the full 3 points. It didn't look good, and many were wondering what Frankie was thinking.

Then the Crew went out, played as well as any 10 men can given the circumstances, and got the 3 points. A more cautious (and obviously, less intelligent) fan would say that it was still a poor judgment by our team captian, but fortunately it all worked out.

Rubbish. Frankie had a lapse in his judgement? Please. The man has been around the block, and knows exactly what he's doing when he's on the field. I'm not buying the "he lost his head" moment, not for a second. Instead, I believe Frankie was executing a perfect plan to set the stage for the most important two months of the Crew's history.

Number one, Frankie knows better than any of us what's going down on the field. Certainly, he felt the Crew were more than capable of handling the suddenly anemic Revolution without him. Further, he knew that the guys could get big heads if they whupped on the Revs agin by a score of 3 or 4 to 0. So, instead of keeping the team at full strength, he figured he would level up the playing field, and make the boys work hard for those last 30 minutes.

But that's only part of the reason Frankie took the 2nd yellow. He also did it to get a much-deserved break next week, against the woeful L.A. Galaxy. Knowing the game will have little bearing on the playoffs, Frankie obviously decided that,since the rest of Columbus hasn't seen fit to come out to Crew Stadium this season, when they finally show up for Beckham, he'll return the favor, and not be on the field. It may be a message very few if any of the soccer moms will get, but it's a message nonetheless, dammit.

Also, one has to believe that Frankie has come to enjoy his postgame sip of brew from the supporters, to the point that he decided it was about time he hung out with us for the whole game. And since his only two options were this game or the D.C. match, he could finally afford to take a much-needed staycation to Columbus Crew Stadium. Don't believe me? Witness Sigi Schmid, who, after 30 minutes of thinking about Frankie's idea, decided to order up a bleacher seat for himself this weekend as well, getting ejected near the end of the game for verbally assaulting the ref. Clearly, the Nordecke is becoming an alluring proposition for the organization's elite. Perhaps, Mr. McCullers won't even need the Preident's box next season...

But surely, the final and most obvious reason Frankie nearly took Reis's foot off on the restart had nothing to do with retaliation. It's all about the mental edge.

Let's be honest; everyone's initial reaction to Frankie's foul was something along the lines of "What the hell was that?!?". But that's just what Hejduk wanted. Everyone already knows Frankie is a bad ass. He'll cut you back, he'll tackle you with two feet, he'll run you down and make you say uncle. Oh, and now? He'll also take your goalie down from behind. What next? Maybe he'll slide tackle the official, headbutt your coach, or take down your over-priced forward, rip his head off, hollow out the deceased's skull, and use it as a spitoon. The sky is the limit, the opposition will think, because Frankie Hejduk is crazy.

Crazy like a fox, I say.

When Frankie take the field, keepers will be looking over their shoulder. When Frankie takes the field, women will hide their children, especially the ones clad in all-Beckham gear. When Frankie takes the field, any number of very bad things could happen next. You thought he wouldn't go there? Oh, he'll go there, girlfriend. And that's the point. For the rest of the season, Frankie has put the league on notice. They'll be looking for him to cause some kind of yet-to-be-seen havoc. And instead of havoc, Frankie will stroll up to forwards who are quivering in their boots, and take the ball off their feet. It will be stealing candy from a baby, or in the case of Taylor Twellman, an overpriced bitch.

Too bad they don't know, Gino Padula is the one you REALLY have to worry about. After all, it was Gino who brought the Crew's hardware from Toronto down to the lobby of the hotel to let the supporter's drink out of it.

THAT, my friends, is truly crazy. But Frankie? He's just massive, as always.

Columbus Clinches* Playoff Spot

*I think...

Posted By: Smitty


In MLS this weekend, the Crew were able to sit and watch a lot of their fellow MLS brethren take the field, knowing full well that if just enough of them won, lost, or tied in the right combination, the Crew would be guaranteed a spot in the postseason. After seeing RSL lose to Chivas, Colorado tie New England, and Kansas City beat Toronto, I think we've got an answer. Now, while I haven't seen anything officially, by my math, there is no way the Crew can miss the playoffs. Of course, if the Crew win next weekend, none of this will matter. Here's what we've got:

First, going into last night's action, there were 3 teams that cannot catch our point total:

FC Dallas - 27 points; 45 possible
L.A. Galaxy - 29 points; 44 possible
Toronto F.C. - 27 points; 42 possible

The top 8 get into the playoffs, meaning we need to be mathematically better on points than 6 other teams can achieve. After last night's results, we have two more that can't catch us:

Real Salt Lake - 31 points; 46 possible
Colorado - 31 points; 46 possible

Still, it looks like we're not mathematically clear of that 6th team, because the next two could theoretically match or exceed us on points:

Chivas USA - 33 points; 48 possible
Kansas City - 32 points; 47 possible

(For a minute, let's forget that we SHOULD be clear of Kansas City, because if there were a tie, we would own the season series (2-0-1). After all, I did a hell of a lot of math to figure this out...)

We can say the Crew clinched a spot because next weekend, KC plays Chivas. Remember, both have to win out to achieve their possible points. One of them will not be able to win out. If there is a tie, neither of them can catch us. Since that match WILL happen, and since either a tie or win-loss scenario WILL happen, we can say without a doubt that the Crew WILL be in the playoffs this year.

I think...

But if they have made the playoffs, and it looks like they have, The Crew have achieved the goal that Sigi Schmid set before them at the start of the season. It's hard not to get greedy with a team that is this good, but for those who are newer to Crew Nation, who might not have endured 2007, 2006, and 2005, please realize that for some of us, this is what we were asking for. A team with a shot come postseason time. And for the first time in a long time, we're the only team in MLS who knows we'll be there for sure.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta...

Morning Afterthoughts: Red Bull Gives You Wins

Posted by Smitty

Walking out of Crew Stadium last night, after the Crew's 3-1 dismantling of the New York Red Bulls, I was struck by a thought. At no time tonight did I feel like we were going to lose this game. Not after shots clanked off the post; not after Angel's perfectly taken free kick. Even at 35 minutes in, before Frankie's chip, I remember laughing and making jokes with everyone around me. In fact, for some reason, Jehrico, Blake, my buddy Adam, and I all randomly started singing the entire opening theme to "Fresh Prince." I guess we got bored singing the same four cheers over and over again.

Point is, that type of non-chalant attitude by those four members of Crew Nation is unprecedented in a game where we're losing. Winning by 2 goals? Sure. But instead of worrying about if the Crew would claw back into it and get three points, I was trying to think of a theme song to sing that would top the Fresh Prince reference. In case you're wondering, I almost busted out the "Step by Step" opener, but I wasn't sure I had the whole thing down (and upon further examination, I was waaaaaaaaay off).

This year's Crew team has proven they have the ability to storm back after conceding the first goal, and there's not any one guy the team has to rely on to bring us back. Sure, when he's been in there, Guillermo has been the catalyst, and when he's healthy, he'll be the guy we all look to. But last night, "Super Frank" Frankie Hejduk stepped up with a goal of the week nominee (more on this later), as did Robbie Rogers. But in what has become the defining trait of this Crew team, they just keep coming at you. Even with a 2-1 lead and our defense once again playing lights out, the Crew kept pushing for a 3rd, 4th, 5th goal. It's almost like they have a pot of money on the training table and the last guy to score in the game gets the pot.

We didn't see that last year. In 2007, we got a lead, sat on it, and self destructed. But Sigi Schmid has these guys playing a brand of soccer which I hope becomes the standard of the Black and Gold for years to come. That style starts with efficiency in the back; few fouls in the defensive third, tidy cleanup of most messes, and neat and quick distribution to Brian Carrol, Frankie, or Gino Padula. Those guys press the ball into the offensive third, either by connecting with the wings, or making the run themselves. If that's not there, they find a way to get the ball quickly to the Columbus Distribution Company (Guillermo or Noonan), and they get the ball to dangerous feet in the offensive third. No matter how they do it though, the Crew bring the ball to your front door, and demand to be let in. That's why this year, Crew fans can breathe easy even with a 1-goal deficit. We know the boys won't let up.

Let's hope this style of soccer is here to stay.

Other Thoughts:

- Yesterday, on my way into the stadium, I thought I might give the local sports station (1460 "The Fan") a call to talk about the game. The producer of "The Big Show" with Bruce Hooley answered, and I told him I wanted to talk about the Crew game. He said that even though there were 45 minutes left in the "Big Show", they weren't going to have time to talk about the Crew.

I asked him why not, and he said it just wasn't in their schedule. I asked if they would ever talk about soccer on that show; he said, "Probably not..." I asked him if he could name one player on the Columbus Crew; "Nope, I don't follow soccer" came the reply. Bear in mind, this is the guy who was also reading the 20/20 sports updates, which should include news of sports, specifically those happening in Columbus. On three different report I heard yesterday, there was not a mention of the Crew game.

"So let me get this straight," I fumed. "You're the sports station in Columbus, but you won't talk about the Crew? Do you consider soccer a sport?" He replied he did, but that the audience wasn't interested (if that's what they think, I can't help them.) Then I asked him, if since they are an ESPN Radio affilate, and the game would be on ESPN2, couldn't they at least mention their network programming lineup for the evening? He said he would try.

So to summarize, 1460 the Fan won't talk about a Columbus sports team playing a game that night in Columbus, but they will talk about something their network affiliate is boradcasting all across the country. Reason? They think you and I aren't interested.

Let's prove 1460 "The Fan" wrong. Starting today, and going through next Friday, call the station and ask to talk about the Crew. In fairness, I was a little angry, so try not to act like I did. Be polite, be courteous, and don't try to sound elitist. But call and ask them to talk about the Crew, or volunteer to go on the air and talk about last night's game, or to break down next week's Massive tilt with New England.

1460 AM has local shows on during these two times, so these are the times to call:

Mon-Fri 12-2pm (Midday Show - Mike Riccordati and Scott Torgerson)
Mon-Fri 4-7pm (Big Show - Bruce Hooley, Chris Spielman, Kirke Herbstriet)

Studio line - 614-821-1460

Remember, don't use any four letter words, as they're on a delay, and no one will even know what you said. Plus it makes us all look bad. But do call them and ask the Columbus sports station to let you on the air to talk about a Columbus sports team.

- Some people are saying that Frankie Hejduk's goal was just a lucky cross that went the right way. Others are saying it was a deft chip. Juan Carlos Osorio, Red Bulls head man, said he wasn't sure, but thought it was lucky. The AP story I read after the game said it was a lucky cross. But Frankie himself dismisses that saying he meant to do it. If you re-watch the match, you see Conway was in poor position, and Frankie made him pay for it.

If he meant to do it, and I personally belive he did, it should be a GOTW nominee. Same with Robbies goal. Two excellent strikes.

- Sure it's great to get three goals, but more impressive is how Chad Marshall and Danny O'Rourke shut down Juan Pablo Angel. His only chance was the free kick, which was well taken, but the call that set it up was bogus. In the run of play, Angel had nothing on either of these guys. Especially Marshall, who may need to make sure he is familiar with the process of applying for EU Work Permits here very soon. I mean, he's apparently not good enough for Bob Bradley and the USMNT to give him a call, but I'm sure this offseason, the Crew will field some requests from across the pond for his services.

So let's see, on this team we potentially have:

MVP - Guillermo Barros Schelotto
Defender of the Year - Chad Marhsall
Comeback Player of the Year - Chad Marshall
Coach of the Year - Sigi Schmid

Not bad.

- While I love the cheers we are doing, I'm always up for spicing it up with something new. Jehrico attempted to do this last night, with little success, by singing "You can stick your can of Red Bull up your ass" to the tune of "She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain..." Sadly, it didn't catch on. We also tried to start "Who the hell wears a headband" to the Seven Nation Army tune. Look for these hits and more on our upcoming CD, "Hudson Street Hooligans Love Their Country."

- We walked over to see J.P. Dellacamera and John Harkes after the game. Both were very friendly, and both stated how impressed they were with the team and the Nordecke. Harkes made three references that I caught during the game broadcast to the Hudson Street Hooligans. After the game, he talked more about the Nordecke than about the actual game, though he did say, even without Guillermo, the Crew would be a team that could win MLS Cup. High praise from the best U.S. soccer analyst out there.

- Not To be Debbie Downer here, but the only bad part about last night was that the Crew looked so dominating even without Guillermo Barros Schelotto. While we all know Guille is the best we may ever see in Black and Gold, the two games he's missed show that the Crew can keep ticking even without him, albeit, against poor competition. Hopefully, this doesn't factor in when pundits look at who should get the nod for MVP. Regardless of hwo the Crew are playing now, there is little doubt that Guillermo was one of the factors in changing the attitude of this club. We went from feeling like we would find a way to lose, to knowing we'll find a way to win. That's the mentality of a champion, and Guillermo is one of the few guys on the team who has won a championship. I'd say he has to be somewhat responsible for that turnaround, along with Sigi, and all the other players.

- Speaking of the MVP, I stayed around last night and stood in line at the autograph tent. Sure, it might have made me look like I was 12, but Guillermo was there, in his suit and tie, and I got his autograph on my scarf. I also got sigs from Ekpo and Padula. If the Crew go on to MLS Cup, that scarf will be retired. And say what you will, but I'm seriously considering voting for Guillermo in 2008. Sure he can't win, but if you're asking me who I trust to lead this country? I'll gladly follow Guille before those other jokers.

Don't forget to watch the MLS games this weekend. If the right teams lose, a few more tie, and I stand on my head, the Crew will clinch a playoff spot. Might not be official this weekend, but with the win lastnight the Crew should be in to the playoffs. I know most die-hards will be holding our breath until we see that asterisk in the standings. Here's hoping we get it this weekend, so we can concentrate on the Shield, and then the Cup.

Smitty's Silly Match Preview: New York Red Bulls

Columbus returns from the land of the Canucks, only to be welcomed to the temporary land of the utility trucks. Hurricane Ike, in Ohio? Can someone email George W. Bush and tell him the Haliburton Hurricane Machine is supposed to hit the Gulf Coast, and not the Midwest? Seriously dude, WTF?

Still, even a cautious outside observer would be compelled to tell the Crew's head coach, "You're doing a heckuva job, Sigi." Only in this case, he really is. But of late, the team compiled by Mr. Osorio in New York is faring pretty well, going 4-1-1 in it's last six. When two of the hottest teams in MLS collide with a high pressure system of being the game of the week on ESPN2, it's bound to be a storm of biblical proportions. Hope you've got power by then...

GAME 25 - NEW YORK RED BULLS



What You Need To Know: Before getting a last-minute sponsorship offer from Red Bull, New York almost inked a deal that would have made them "New York Crystal Light."

New Additions: Mac Kandji, a Senegalese forward New York snagged from Atlanta of USL 1, will not play this week against Columbus due to fear.

Well, that and a sprained ankle. But fear first.

Chances of making the playoffs:

The Crew? About as likely as John Wolyniec winning a Taylor Hicks look-a-like contest.

New York? More like Wolyniec getting a gig endorsing Just for Men; it makes sense, just don't know if he'll be able to seal the deal.

Topical Insult of the Week: "Hey New York fans! Columbus is going to beat you like the housing crisis beat up Fannie Mae! Only, there won't be a federal reserve and quorum of Senators to save your ass!"

Crew Notes:

- Guillermo Barros Schelotto will be resting his ailing hamstrings for a second straight week, in preperation for New England on Sept. 27th. Apparently, they're a little worn from carrying around Guille's Massive Balls.

Match preview here.

Prediction: The Crew replicate their mad scoring dash of 2004, where they scored 4 goals on New York to win 4-2. This time, Gaven scores for the Crew (he played for New York back then), as do Moreno, Marshall, and Garey. Noonan and Rogers get 2 assists apiece.

Where You Go, We Follow...

Sometimes fate is a cruel mistress. Many Columbus Crew fans can attest to that, as they saw trees uprooted, sheds destroyed, and 48+ hours of no electricity over the last few days. In fact, depending where you live, you might not be able to read this article until after the New York Red Bulls game. Or after the next Buckeyes game. Or, if you're in Westerville, possibly Christmas. 2010 Christmas, that is. Apparently, Hurricane Ike was not a fan of perfectly landscaped neighborhoods and good high school football. Too bad.

But there are other times where fate is a supermodel alone with you on a desert island, and she's gone into "Ah, what the hell, let's go for it!" mode.

Saturday in Toronto was one of those days.

In case you missed it, the Crew scrapped out a 1-1 Trillium Cup Winner over their ever-growing rivals, Toronto F.C. Pat Noonan was a beast, Robbie Rogers was a demon, and the pair of Danny O'Rourke and Chad Marshall made short work of any and all Toronto attacks. Sadly, the Crew only earned a point because plastic turf is not real grass, rain doesn't help fake grass get better, and Alejandro Moreno was juuuuuuust a little tired form all his international call-ups (at least, I hope that's all it was.)

But most of all, Saturday was a day that Columbus Crew Supporters proved once and for all the definition of Massive, as the Crew added what may be the first of many pieces of hardware to the 2008 trophy case.

Below is a desription of the tales that have become "Massive Toronto Road Trip: September '08". Names and dates were changed to protect the innocent (except any story involving Ryan...). Read at your own peril.

- Arriving at Crew Stadium early Saturday morning, many were bleary-eyed and tired. Fortunately, a camera crew was there to film all of us, as was Crew GM Mark McCullers. Give the man credit, he helped subsidize the trip, and got up at the crack of dawn to see us off. I like him more and more every day.

- Ryan and I were first to crack open a cold one. In case you're keeping score, it was the Champagne of Beers, which as everyone knows, is Miller High Life. Sadly, no one had the Motts Apple Juice of Beers (Strongbow) readily available.

- New York had a crap-ton of vineyards.

- Canada's border security policy #345: If the bus is full of white people in soccer gear, don't bother to check their passports. Welcome to Canada!

- We thought we were about two hours away from Toronto, as the sign said "Toronto - 120". with it already being 1pm, we were all frightened we'd miss the beginning of the game, which was at 3:30, if we hit any traffic. It took 10 minutes before we realized the sign was in kilometers, which takes roughly 34 minutes to traverse.

- At some point, after some drinking had occurred, it was decided that we should try to act like the stereotypical dumb American many Canadians think of when they look at the lower 48. This led me to say, in a thick Tennessee accent, that I would argue with a Toronto concession stand worker about the fact that the grass in BMO looked too real to be fake. Eventually, I stated, I would get so far into the argument that I would say, "I want to fight you. Physically. With my fists." Sadly, after that, no one would allow me anywhere near the concession stands...

- After more drinking occurred, we all determined that the team should let us take the Trillium Cup (if we won it) back on the bus with the supporters, or at the very least, let us drink out of it. File that one away as "best idea ever."

- Ryan professed his undying love for beef-steak nuggets.

- The bus pulled up, and we unloaded right at the Red Patch Boys Tailgate.

Awk-ward......

- We were swarmed by camera crews from Toronto, who wanted to get our international perspective on the match. Ryan was one of the first to be interviewed, and as he did all he could to tell the camera people what he was thinking, the alcohol fought him every step of the way. Fortunately, the camera people thought he was just French-Canadian.

- They have a lot of funny rules in Canada, but one of them is that you can't have an open container of alcohol in public. However, one can circumvent this rule by pouring the alcohol into a coffee cup. Apparently, it has to do with the government being subsidized by Tim Hortons.

- After about 20 minutes, the coffee cups had a weird reaction to the booze, and started to fall apart quicker than Carlos Ruiz inside the penalty area (ZING!). This led many to do the unthinkable: pay 12 American dollars for Carlsberg.

- Once inside the stadium, we got to our seats and started chanting. Our chants? MASSIVE. But the stadium itself? Talk about underwhelming...

First, BMO Field is about the size of Dublin Coffman's football stadium. Not that Crew Stadium is going to seat 50k anytime soon, but at least it doesn't look like the field you had P.E. on when you were in high school.

Further, while the announced "crowd" of 19k was supposedly a sellout, it looked like fewer than your average night at Crew Stadium. I would call the "stands" 2/3 full MAX. Not exactly what one expects of the supposed "crown jewel" of of Don Garber.

And yes, I "like" using quotation marks...

- If you don't know what happened at the game, go rewatch it.

- One disturbing trend from during the game: there were at least 20-30 TFC fans scattered about through the crowd that spent more time watching, taunting, and making homophobic gestures towards the Crew Supporters than they did actually watching the game. Real winners, these guys.

- Under the stadium, while on a beer run, one of our supporters had his scarf stolen from him while he was standing in line. The douchebag who stole it is the one we see at Crew Stadium every year with TFC, the idiot who shaves a Maple Leaf into the back of his head. After the Crew fan asked him for the scarf back, Hoser Loser offered to "trade" the Crew supporter for a TFC scarf. Not sure how you can call "stealing and then offering something less than what was stolen as compensation" a "trade", but the Crew Supporter consented. Keep this incident in mind for later...

- At the conclusion of the game, the Black and Gold came over to give the supporters a cheer, then came back with the Trillium Cup. Sadly, the name only gets worse the more I say it; sounds a bit like something Luke Skywalker would wear in a little league game. Can't we call it something cool, like the "Tri", or "The thing we're gonna win every year?"

Name aside, I'm glad those Canuck Bastards didn't get their mitts on it.

- We were held by security for about 15 minutes so the stadium could clear out. This plan worked smashingly, as everyone left the grounds.

Well, everyone except for about 200 knuckle-draggers who thought it would be fun to take on the Crew Supporters, of which about half were either women, children (12 and under, in a few cases), over the age of 55, or in the most of the rest of the cases, too drunk/tired to really worry about proving any modicum of machismo.

- As we exited the stadium, the TFC goons start harrassing Crew fans, getting in their faces, and tongue wagging about how awesome their team is. This led to more tongue wagging back, which then resulted in pushing and shoving. Eventually someone broke through from TFC, even though the Toronto police were trying to give the Crew fans some protection.

Then it all kinda broke loose.

- The first guy I saw was a large man, about 6-4, and well over 300 lbs, who came charging at our intrepid Crew fan who had already had his scarf stolen. This Crew fan was standing in front of a parked car, and as the big oaf swung and missed, 3-4 Crew fans threw this huffed-up hoser up against it, and held him until the cops got there.

The cops proceeded to cuff, throw to the ground, hogtie, and mace this jackass. Then they kicked him in the ribs for good measure. Note to self: Don't get fisty around the Canadian Police.

- We had about 200 yards to get across the parking lot, and along the way, minor shouting scuffles broke out, but no true fights (funny the perspective one gains after witnessing a little police brutality). As we tried to herd ourselves back on the bus, insults were still being shouted by TFC, and one of their supporters ran through and stole a scarf off the neck of one of our boys, which did nothing to help matters.

- One of the Crew's longtime supporters was pushed to the ground, and her brother had been dragged away by either the TFC fans or the cops (not sure, as that's hearsay that I did not see.)

- Finally, after about 15 minutes, everyone got on the bus, and was accounted for. Someone from Toronto's fan group was sent on to our bus to offer to trade the stolen Crew scarf "in return for the one that was stolen earlier..."

We told them to stick it where the sun don't shine, as the only scarf we had was the previously mentioned peace offering for stealing ANOTHER one of our scarves. Sadly this did leave us down a scarf, but it left us about +50 in the "maturity", "honor", and "awesome" categories.

On that note, if you see a Crew fan walking around at Ruby's who is about 6'11 without a scarf, give him a couple of bucks. He shouldn't have to buy another one.

- Once on the bus, we all proceeded to sing loudly for the Crew, and drink even more alcohol. Much back-slapping ensued.

- Then we all noticed we were being given a police escort to our hotel. This caused even more unbelief, back-slapping, and "We are MASSIVE!" chants.

- We deboarded at one of the nicest hotels in Toronto, in the shadow of the CN tower, the Rogers Center, and Chad Marshall. This was the players hotel, and it was where we stayed for the night.

From here, stories start to get fuzzy, and lines become blurred. Many of us ran into our favorite players, shared an elevator with the Rotund One, and even managed to say a few words of praise, like, "Nice game..." or "Hey, you're Brian Carrol!".

As people went out that night, more tales of debauchery happened, many of which, out of solidarity with my fellow Crew fans, I cannot share. But we'll just say that rumors flew the next morning. There was a rumor of a girl trying to fight the Rogers Center field crew, physically; a rumor that some were shotgunning beers until 4 in the morning in a hotel suite that could easily house a celebrity next weekend; yet another rumor persisted that I went to bed at 10:30 (a bald-faced lie!). The best unconfirmed story was that one of the Massive Crew fans locked himself out of his room in only his boxer-briefs. No one but the hotel front desk can truly confirm how he got back into his room.

But there was one true to life story I can confirm for you. After 8 hours in a bus, after 3 years of missing the playoffs, after 12 years of everything from Tony Sanneh to DC United in the playoffs, a bunch of Crew fans got what they deserved: a moment with some hardware. Credit to the Crew F.O. staff who made it happen. And though a lot of the last paragraph was rumor, when I tell you that I, and probably 2 dozen other Crew fans, got to not only hold the Trillium Cup, but drink Stella Artois from its crowning bowl, I am telling the 100% truth. Fate was kind to us on that day, and no paycheck I may have blown can ever replace the good times and great friends we had on this trip.

While the events of the day were almost marred by what could have been an ugly incident outside of the stadium, the end result was beautiful. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I guess. That, or drink harder liquor. The point is, despite Toronto's best efforts on the field and off, they couldn't keep the Columbus Crew from yet another historic chapter in what's becoming a season for the ages.

No Guille? No problem...

As I sit here, unable to sleep in anticipation of this bus ride up to Toronto, I can't help but think how convenient the timing is of the "lower-body" injury suffered by Guillermo Barros Schelotto. In case you missed the articles
about it in the Dispatch, Guille tweaked a hammy on Thursday and may miss a week or two. Of course, everyone freaked about this, including my brother, who sent me a feverish email with the phrase "This is NOT good!" as the headline, and a link to the Dispatch story. We talked each other off the ledge in subsequent emails, noting that we bought Noonan for a reason, we just spent a week talking about how deep this team is, and that Sigi will make any adjustments necessary. Calmly, we both started breathing again, and hopefully life will continue to go on.

But after a few days of chewing on it, I think Guille just pulled a fast one on Canada. The Crew can afford the luxury of him sitting it out, so if he wants to say he "tweaked" his hamstring, or that it is "hard", I'm cool with that. And I have my reasons for thinking he's bluffing. Consider:

1. The turf in venerable old BMO field is abhorred by aging soccer players, especially talented ones. The ball plays differently, the game doesn't really sort out for the first 20 minutes anyway due to the tactical advantage it gives, and it leaves you sore for days after playing on it. Why would we want to put one of our best players at risk on this field, against a team that hasn't proven they can win, regardless of who they throw on the field?

2. The playoffs are looming, and Guille is going to go from playing about 23 games last year to playing possibly 35-plus this year. He's got to take a break, and looking down the schedule, this is the only team he could legitimately take a night off against. Further, if he had to take a two week vacation, New York isn't a bad choice, either. Keep him healthy for the New England rematch, which will be decidedly closer, the Galaxy game, when everyone in Columbus who cares will be there, and the final matches against Chicago and DC, which will be bloodbaths.

3. Guillermo could probably care less about Toronto, it's fans, and coach (though after the last Toronto Tilt, Guille said John Carver's team "play very badly..."), but more importantly, that team, fanbase, and coach HATE Guillermo. After their 0-0 tie in April, Carver could not just take solace in the fact that his team held one of MLS's best offenses to 0 goals; he went out of his way to criticize Guillermo specifically:

"I've not seen anything like it, to be honest," Carver said. "I've never been involved with anything like that before."

Right, John. In all your years coaching professional clubs, like Newcastle (1 game) and Leeds (5 games), you didn't see anything like it. Perhaps if you hadn't spent those 6 games, and the entirety of your stay in Toronto, looking for an official to blame and then berate, maybe you would have noticed more things going on during the games.

So why would Guille give these putzes in Toronto exactly what they want? Possibly because he realizes that he is the best in MLS? The face value of the tickets in Toronto should be devalued by two loons for todays game, as the best player in the league won't be making an appearance. Sadly, you can't expect people who worship Danny Diccio and Amado Guevarra to appreciate "talent" when they see it. While they won't know what they're missing, we certainly do.

4. Guillermo knows the Crew, when playing at their best, don't need him to beat the USL afterthoughts and Championship rejects that populate TFC's roster card. Not saying the Crew will beat Toronto tomorrow; anything CAN happen, after all. But there is no reason the Crew should lose to a team like Toronto, even with our best player in street clothes. Honestly, would you take any player on Toronto's roster on trade for Emmanuel Ekpo or Pat Noonan?

Didn't think so.

5. Finally, do you remember when Guille received a yellow card for supposed "elaboration" on fouls he received late in the most recent Toronto game? If not, it was quintessential to understanding Guille. After getting knocked to the ground for about the 80th time by one of Carver's hapless thugs, Guille got up wondering why play had been stopped, restarted, and no free kick awarded. When a TFC player advised him the foul had been called on him for "diving", a completely bogus charge, and that he received a yellow card ofr it, Guille thought so little of the decision that he threw his head back in laughter, shocked that the game could be that absurdly officiated.

But almost immediately, his face went from pure delight to dead on seriousnes, as he looked towards Sigi, Robert, and the gang, signaled for a substitute, and with his hands, made the gesture indicating "no more, I'm done..." It was as if he was saying, "I tried my best to play on this plastic fake field, with uncoordinated goons on the other team, and blind knuckle-draggers posing as referees. I tried. But that's it. This is not worth my time. Get me out of here." Naturally, a man who has played football at it's height for a sustained period of time would be the best barometer of where football should be played. He clearly doesn't think it's Toronto. Don Garber and his MLS cronies would do well to listen to the feelings of it's league's best player when it comes time to add possibly ANOTHER Canadian team.

Do I think Guille is using this injury as a convenient excuse? Of course. And I applaud him for it. Toronto, it's stadium, and fans, aren't worth his time. And that's to say nothing of it's football team.

An Open Letter to the Wayward Among Us

What more can be said about the Columbus Crew? We're top of the table, making things look unstable, and we might just be watching the most complete roster MLS has seen in the last 5 years.

Instead of raving about the performances of Guille, Iro, and Garey, as everyone has already done, I decided to writer a letter to Columbus sports fans who haven't yet trekked out to Crew stadium this year. With only 3 games left, it might be time for us to take matters into our own hands. Feel free to copy and paste this into an email and send it to your friends, especially the ones who don't understand what the hell you're talking about when you the words "Guille", "Brace", and "Crewsmas".

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Columbus Sports fan,

By now, you've probably caught some inkling of a percolating set of circumstances over on Velma Ave and Hudson Street. You may have noticed that giant hunk of steel called Crew Stadium has gotten a little more massive this year, thanks in no small part to a gargantuan cantilevered-steel stage. You might also have noticed a few people wearing Crew jeseys at the mall, heard someone at work mention "the Black ad Gold", maybe even been fortunate enough to have the Hudson Street Hooligan parade stop your northward progress up 4th Street on a random Saturday evening. Regardless of how you've heard about it, the Crew are increasingly creeping back into the local conversation, even among non-sports fans.

Sadly, most of those conversations begin with the sentence "Hey, I heard the Crew were doing pretty well," and end with the phrase "Does McBride still play for them?"

It's hard to blame you for the ignorance. Despite some increased blogosphere action, an honest-to-God sportswriter named Shawn Mitchell, and Larry Larson's occasional mentions, the Crew are still fighting for media coverage in this city. 1460 The Fan, the main sports station in town, can't be bothered to stop breathlessly reporting about whether a college junior has an owie on his toe. (To be fair, 1460 wouldn't know a soccer ball if Chris Spielman produced one from his nether regions.) Despite their online coverage, which is a home run, the Dispatch fail to squeeze any mention of the only professional team in Columbus to win hardware onto it's front page. The TV channels are trying, but 2 minutes in between the last look at weather and the touchy-feely dog rescue story are a tough place to do any real reporting.

If only the professional athletes on the Crew could don pads and helmets, and regain some high school eligibility. Then they could get their own half-hour show on Friday nights.

Unfortunately for you skeptics, if you want to find out what's really going on down at Columbus Crew Stadium, you're just gonna have to pony up the cash and get a ticket. Since it may be your first time in a long time, it might be good to sit up high, take it all in from the upper deck and see what's going on. Or sit in the best seats in the house; either way it's only a $10 swing in Crew Stadium from the cheapest seats ($14) to the most expensive ($24). That's right, you can see a professional sporting event in Columbus, and bring your wife and kids, for under $100. That's a far cry from the cheapest seats in Nationwide Arena ($20 for the nose-bleeds) or at Ohio Stadium ($63 to be told by bluehairs to sit down). Of course, the Crew don't have the tradition of OSU, but then again, who can afford tradition at these prices? If they sold "tradition" by the gallon, gas and booze would be a bargain by comparison.

Anyway, when you get to venerable old Crew Stadium, you'll notice super crisp passing on the field, thanks to Guillermo Barros Schelotto (more on him in a second). You'll hear from our newly-unified supporter's section, The Nordecke. Don't worry, we're easy to spot. You'll be able to get brats for a buck on certain nights (like next Thursday), and if you sit low enough, you might get a free jersey from one of the players.

Oh and those players! Forget Beckham and Blanco, who you may have heard about. The Crew have the MVP of MLS. No, the voting hasn't been done yet, but if the Crew's Guillermo Barros Schelotto does not win the MVP award for the league, the award will cease to possess any meaning (kind of like Toronto F.C.'s season). In 23 league matches, he's been responsible for 24 goals (either on an assist, or a goal himself). If you're worried about the lack of scoring that typically is assumed about soccer, this guy will soothe any concerns. With Guille as the catalyst, the Crew are on a tear over the last 4 games, all wins, scoring 11 goals, 10 of which were caused by Schelotto. And it's not a fluke; in Argentina, Guille's home country, the man is a bonafide legend, havng been a part of 18 championship winning teams. Yes, 18. That's 6 times the Superbowls Tom Brady has won, 3 times the titles Jordan won, almost as many times as Roger Clemens has retired. Thus, when you see the masses of Crew stadium literally bowing down to the chant of "Guille", you'd be wise to follow suit.

Also on the field are a few U.S. National Team pool players (Frankie Hejduk, Robbie Rogers, Will Hesmer, and soon, Chad Marshall), a silver medalist (Emmanuel Ekpo, Nigeria), and the most solid defensive midfielder in MLS, Brian Carrol. Nevermind Mr. Hustle, Alejandro Moreno, and spark plugs like Brad Evans, Eddie Gaven, Steve Lenhart, and Jason Garey who has scored in every game he's played in this season.

Maybe you're sick of cupcakes on the schedule of that other football team in Columbus. Well, the last two wins for the Crew were against a team that was leading the Western Conference a mere month ago (Real Salt Lake) and the two-time defending Eastern Conference Champions (New England). Both were absolute dismantlings; the Crew played one of their best halves of the year in the first half against Real Salt Lake. They played their best game of the year against New England. Both will be in the playoffs this year.

(Oh yeah, the Crew will be back in the playoffs this year, something the Blue Jackets have yet to accomplish.)

Sitting at the head of this tremendous team is the mastermind, the chief, the grand poobah himself, Sigi Schmid. He's only the 2nd coach to get 100 wins in MLS; the other one coaches the U.S Men's National Team, and some have openly questioned whether Sigi would have been the better choice. He's built the best team in MLS this year largely off of guys who didn't have much cred in American soccer circles, pulling out gems like Adam Moffat (2nd division last year), Gino Padula (French 2nd division), Andy Iro (draft pick passed on by half of MLS), Brad Evans (never got a chance until this year), Robbie Rogers (ditto), and of course, the aforementioned Guillermo Barros Schelotto, who was not getting first team minutes and was thought by many to be done with his career. Now he looks like he could play until he's 40. And the man who built the Crew back from utter ruin? Sigi.

Look, I'm not telling you to throw out your Scarlet and Gray or Rick Nash jersey. I'm just asking you to think about making some room in your closet for Columbus' first major league franchise. Truth be known, most of you still have some Black and Gold from back in the days of McBride, Stern John, Mike Clark, Brad Friedel, and Jeff Cunningham. If you're not careful, you just might miss seeing the team that could rewrite everything those guys ever did, and then some.

So come out to Crew Stadium! We'll save you a seat, but not for long...

Watch It.

The video of the highlights from the last Crew-Revs game, that is. I dare ya:



Notice anything?

For one, speed kills the defending Eastern Conference Champs. New England's "vaunted" defense couldn't contain Robbie Rogers, Frankie Hejduk, or Eddie Gaven back in April. Yes, you read that Eddie Gaven part right, as he's faster than most of us think. In fact, look back at last season to see how well Gaven, Rogers, and the rest of the boys did against New England:



Watching that game, you should also bear in mind that guys like Tim Ward and Rusty Pierce are no longer a part of this team on defense, and Chad Marshall wasn't there. But on offense, the Crew have no problems beating guys like Ralston, Parkhurst, and Joseph. Granted, we lose two big players with Hejduk and Moreno playing for country this weekend. But I'm eager to see what guys like Evans, Ekpo, Zayner, and even Lenhart can bring to the table. Also, let's not forget some guy named Noonan has this date circled on his calendar.

But you don't even have to look just at the Crew's pwnage of the center of the pitch vs. the Revs for evidence they are lighter that people give them credit for. Joe Public showed what they can do, albeit against a fairly limited mix of reserves and regulars, in their CONCACAF whuppin' of New Engand 6-1 on aggregate. But watch the highlights of the Galaxy - Revs game from last week:



Neither Parkhurst nor Badilla can keep up. Granted, Lando Cal-prissycakes is pretty damn fast, but as we've mentioned, Rogers, Evans, Ekpo, and yes, even Gaven, have enough moves to get past what passes for the plodding, mud-footed Revs defense these days.

But the way you truly dismantle a team like New England? You've got to have someone who can make precision passes, someone who has the weight of the world and the eye of the needle all on his feet. You need someone who can spring our speed when it's least expected, and thus, most deadly.

Know anyone like that?



And certainly, when it comes to great games, Guille has had them against the Revs. His monster 30-yard game winner against the Revs in October was the Crew's Goal of the Year, and he also created the chance Robbie Rogers cracked off the crossbar that gave Eddie Gaven the tap in for his goal. Fortunately for New Engand, he's not the hottest player in MLS right now, so maybe he won't be on his game...

Oh, wait. He's the guy who has the golden touch in MLS. In 22 games this year, Guille has hit 16 assists and 5 goals. 21 goals created in 22 games? Son, it don't get much better. As of late, it seems he's been able to put the ball on the head of anything larger than a pin, and those non-pin-sized heads are finding ways to put the ball in the net. But let's not forget that Guille has also got the staggering ability to play a yo-yo one touch with the best of them, and can play a ball that has the keeper pulling out a compass and protractor.

In sports, there's always a team that everyone has to go through if they want to be on top. In the Eastern Conference of MLS, that's the Revs. But on any team that overthrows an incumbent champion, one player usually rises up to lop the head off of the proverbial dragon. The Crew have just that player in Schelotto.

Will the Crew beat the Revs on Saturday night, with all of MLS watching? Who knows. But Crew fans should be livid if the Crew don't shut down the faltering New England side once and for all. They clearly have the tools and talent to do it.

Morning Afterthoughts: Dallas Ja Vous

Direct TV offers NFL fans the ability to watch every single NFL game of the season in 30 minutes or less. For fans of teams like the Dophins, Raiders, and Bengals, this proves to be a worthwhile and positive tool. With real football, however, this tool would prove useless because:

1. Soccer is too fluid to chop into a 30-minute highlight. You'd either get too much or not enough.

2. If you're going to invest 30 minutes, why not take the extra hour to see the whole game? Unlike the NFL, you can watch a complete match in less time than it takes to watch most major motion pictures.

That's why the 3 minute highlight was made for soccer. You can see the goals, the fouls, and the near misses that pretty much made or broke the match. Unfortunately, it doesn't always tell the story of who played the best, and that's OK. Soccer isn't about who plays the best each week; it's about who continues to put results on the board, regardless of how pretty it is.

And this season, the Crew should just go ahead and christen themselves the "Team of the Highlight". Columbus has been winning games in the time it takes most people to brush their teeth, or in John Carver's case, completely throw everyone in his organization under the bus.

Witness last night's game. The Crew beat F.C. Dallas with a couple of goals in response to a Jeff Cunningham goal minutes earlier. The scores came in the 37th and 39th minutes. Funny thing is, that's not the first time the Crew have pulled off this seemingly nitro-induced surge past the competition. Just 2 weeks ago, the Crew needed a mere 3-minute spurt between the 62nd and 65th minutes to dispatch of the Sister Side at home.

But it's not just the Frisco side the Crew can heat up against. Remember the 3 goals in 10 minutes they got against San Jose? Or how about 3 goals in 12 minutes against Kansas City? Granted, these microwave-like numbers have not exactly come against the best competition (combined record 18-25-23), but it is encouraging to see that the Crew have proven dangerous when the situation calls for it. When a playoff elimination is on the line, that comeback experience will come in handy, and keep the Crew braced with the hope that no matter what the clock says, until the whistle blows, they are not out of any game.

Other news and notes:

- Did anyone else know the field in Frisco has sand instead of dirt as an underlayment? Apparently, the remnants of the last Jimmy Buffet concert have not been fully removed.

- There is some debate over who the Man of the Match was. It's between Guille and Gaven, and in this case, I go with the youngster. Gaven's last two games have been the best we've seen from him in quite some time, going back to the end of last year, where he again really came on strong. Let's hope he's putting it together and becoming the player all had hoped he would be.

And yes, I thought of doing the headline "Eddie Does Dallas," but something didn't seem right about it.

Schelotto was spectacular once again, but Eddie Gaven deserves this one. Of course, better to be debating the hero, instead of the goat...

- Interesting quote from Sigi Schmid in the MLS Net postgame report. He states the Crew have never lost a game which Gino Padula started.

When informed of this, Padula said, "YYYYAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH, Maytey!"

- Seeing the F.C. Dallas "supporter's section" was just pitiful. The worst part? They've already built their stage, and still, no unified growing group of supporters. Now all that's left to offer are free beer and hookers.

- Next Saturday is Fatih and Family Night at Crew Stadium. Of course, the Crew F.O. could not have picked a better time to bring new fans to the stadium than against a team that is basically the symbolic wall the Crew will have to smash down in order to get to the Cup. This means the Nordecke should be as boisterous, loud, and offensive as we've ever seen it. What could possibly go wrong?

- Congrats to Alejandro Moreno for getting on the scoresheet against Dallas. Unfortunately, the Crew will be without his services for the Revs game, as he will once again be on international duty for his home country of Venuzuela's National Team. Damn Commies.

- By the way, kudos all around to the defense. Against arguably one of the best on-paper striker tandems in MLS (Jeff Cunningham and Kenny "Not Yet" Cooper), they gave up all of two goals in two matches. Cooper was shutout, though albeit with help from the crossbar on more than one occasion.

- With all due respect to Fados and Ruby Tuesday, I nominate Barley's Smokehouse and Brewery if you're loooking for a place to get some suds and grub. A bit on the pricey side, it's worth it for the on-site-smoked beef, chicken, and pulled pork, hand-crafted barbecue sauces, and outstanding deserts. Oh, did I mention they are indeed a microbrewery? My inner Homer Simpson is drooling.

-Finally, in a not-at-all Crew related item, did anyone get a look at John McCain's Veep choice, Sarah Palin? The governor of Alaska may not be your cup o' tea politically, but...have you seen her?



As political leaders go, outside of Nicholas Sarkozy's wife, she's gotta be up there in terms of attractiveness. I'm not saying she's hot, but I get naughty thoughts whenever the media says one of these three phrases in reference to her:

1. "Republicans are hoping voters will pull their levers for Palin in November..."
2. "Republicans have noticed a rise in their polls since the naming of Palin to VP..."

And my favorite:

3. "Insiders say McCain only recently decided to tap Palin as his VP Choice..."

Ah yes, I sometimes have a filthy mind. Apologies all around. I'm sure John McCain is honored to have such a beautiful and talented woman on his staff.

Thank you, thank you, I'm here all night.